I just finished reading Spiriteds second response to my latest blathering in response to her, and I'm still processing all that was (re) written there. I noticed one thing absolutely screaming at me from the page, and it just boggles my mind that so many seem to not see it. Consider this one paragraph. And fair warning, I'll be using an all caps phrase soon. In this instance I actually would be yelling those words (Out of frustration) if I were speaking instead of typing, so it seems apt. Here's the quote.....
"The thing is... they had rules... it was just that the rules fit so nicely with society that you could hardly notice they were there. The rules were there for one reason and one reason alone... not to make dominants feel more dominant or submissives more submissive... they were there to protect people against someone who was intent on harming another. Those rules made sure that any predator or player would be weeded out of their community right from the start."
Exactly! The rules were there for one reason alone, to weed out anyone they saw as a "predator or player" right from the start. They were there to EXCLUDE A SPECIFIC TYPE OF PERSON, and for no other reason.
End of discussion, story finished, done deal. No PC tolerance of others, no "It's all about what works for you" crap. Those rules were there to exclude certain people from that group, period. The reason they were hardly noticeable is because they represented common shared values that all those involved wanted their society to be conducted by. I guarantee the first steely-eyed, resolute, Gorean master or hardcore, steadfast, devoted Gorean slave girl to attend would have caused all manner of disruption, because they don't want to live like the described group did.
Look, we as a group have to deal with reality. And the reality is, we are a fringe group. If we want to make any progress towards being open in society at large, we have to face the fact that we scare some people. The fact that the fear is unfounded and unnecessary is irrelevant. If we want society at large to respect us, we need to do two basic things. We need to hold to values that prioritize safety, health, and consent. We also need to then demonstrate the courage of our convictions to publicly decry anyone that takes the fantasy too far into reality. No sane and healthy human being at even the most extreme levels of submission or massochism, even if they fantasize about amputation, bone breaking, actual forced slavery, being blinded, being starved (I've heard all these by the way) actually wants to experience them, though they might enjoy the fantasy. In their attempts to live the fantasy, some folks end up at risk from those that would use their fantasies against them, or simply dont protect their partners in their own pursuit of their fantasies.
If our little counter-culture group doesn't stand up and protect it's own from those that go too far, then society will never believe they do not need to protect themselves from us. In that event, none of us will ever be free to live as we want because society at large will never see a distinction between us and the BTK serial killer who took his initials from his motto "Bind, Torture, Kill". They will believe we are all crazy and dangerous, and they will try to eliminate us in any way they can. The easiest way we as a group could protect ourselves and advance our cause is to simply have rules and be loud about them so newbies, both dom and sub, would know where the limits are. If a new dom understood he was absolutley expected to protect and care for his scene partner, even if that partnership lasts just an hour, then many fewer would take sceneing so lightly. If more new subs were told at every turn that that is what they should expect from any dom they ever play with, no exceptions, then far fewer would end up as damaged than currently do.
It really is just no harder than that. And why it is made to seem so very complicated is a mystery to me. I can only believe the "Predators and players" out there are actively promoting all this PC tolerance though, because it does nothing but enable them to continue to use and discard those that amuse them for a moment without any chance of their being any serious consequences for their actions, at least not to themselves.
3 comments:
Yeah, but I thought that's what the whole Safe Sane and Consensual thing was about. The community where I belonged upheld those values to the hilt... and the other rules that weeded out the predators and players did just that... weeded out people who were intent on harming another.
The workshops they held taught submissives how to be safe. They even had workshops on self-defense. The dominants had workshops that taught them the proper way to treat a submissive and handle play equipment/toys. Everyone was taught the importance of hygiene with the toys and equipment. They had workshops for every aspect of play that you can think of so that people could be taught the proper way to do it so it lessens the chance of someone being harmed unintentionally.
Believe me... any of the jerks who had substandard beliefs about how a sub should be treated were not welcome within their community. Not only that, but information about them (generally their name and info about their personality) was passed on to other communities so they couldn't just join another group and hope to start abusing people there. None of the people I met were the kind that would go too far... those people would have never been tolerated.
Some BDSM communities even go as far as to become involved in the larger community... taking part in fund raising for charities and the likes so that other people outside the lifestyle can see that we're not all freaks. That some of us are just like them in every other aspect... we care about the world we live in as much as they do.
So the things you speak of do exist... maybe not as a country wide concept, but it does exist in a lot of places and it's slowly growing. You just have to find the right community, become a part of it and help it to grow so that more places start catching on. If you don't have a BDSM group where you live, then you can always start one. Contact other groups and get information from them on how to get one going in your area.
The only way to truly protect someone is through education. You can't make choices for people, but you can educate them and give them the opportunity to make better choices. Many of these communities are doing just that. I agree it needs to be more widespread, but that just means more people in this lifestyle need to get involved. One small community in one city can only do so much.
It's part of the reason I started On Being Slave... it's my contribution to help submissives on the internet learn to be more safe. To learn what is tolerable and what isn't. To learn what is abuse and what isn't. I'm also hoping that people outside the lifestyle will see it and get a better feel for what the lifestyle is all about. Maybe you ought to consider starting something similar for Dominants... I would, but well... I'm not dominant. LOL
Go ahead and get angry... every major change starts that way because anger spurs us into action.
I love the title of this entry btw. :-D
spirited
Spirited,
Perhaps this will explain a small part of why I'm the bitter S.O.B. on this topic I have become. You suggest I start a group. I won't go into details, but I did start one. I spent a lot of time, and a lot of money. It became fairly large and popular. We met in an upscale restaraunt where the check average is over $40. We had a private room, a dedicated server, and access to the full menu, however keeping budget in mind, I also arranged for specials not normally on the menu. You could for example get a 6 oz. steak or a 5 oz chicken breast with unlimited trips through the (25 foot long mind you) baked potato and salad bar as well as a bottomless soft drink for under $20, and the tip was factored into our prices so if you walked in with $20 you got a full meal in a private dining room that was absolutely going to leave you stuffed, and get change back. I managed that by guaranteeing a certain minimum dollar figure in sales, and making up the difference out of my pocket when it was not met. We had the dining room from 6 until 10, so there was no rush. There was never any requirement to eat or cover fee to enter, so in theory you could have come and met people and enjoyed the conversation for free. I required that participants were 21 years old, and I was happy to offer my opinions about what a doms responsibilities to his or her submissives were. Participants were allowed to disagree if they wished, and we occasionally did banter this topic around.
I ran this for quite some time and I repeatedly and constantly got the same three complaints. 1)I didn't provide a play party. (My attitude was, meet someone, take them home and play all you want) 2) My location choice was to expensive. and 3)I was to intolerant towards those with views other than my own, especially to a specific dom that was very popular in the community. He DID host play parties which seemed to go an incredibly long way towards making up for the fact that he put his sub/wife in the hospital. So, sour grapes I suppose.
O.K. vent over, thanks for putting up woth me. But I do wonder, why would you have left the community you just described?
Sorry to hear that it went so bad for you. I can see why you're so bitter about it. We used to meet at a little Italian place for munches. It wasn't a cheap place either and no one every complained. If people wanted play parties they'd arrange them themselves. Generally they were private and by invite only. That way they didn't get players and stuff showing up. It seems weird that they'd have complained about that. Sounds like they wanted you to do all the work while they reaped the benefits.
And yeah... the number 1 sign that someone is an abusive prick using the lifestyle to get away with their abusive behavior is they tell people who disagree with them "you're too intolerant". I got that all the time on FetLife. They're right though... I am intolerant of abuse... especially under the guise of BDSM.
The reason I left that community was because I came out here to Australia. I wish they had something similar out here, but the BDSM scene is just not very big out here unless you live in a big city.
spirited
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