So in an effort to distract myself from my real problems, I have been reading about "D/s" relationships a bit. I've been seeing submissives talking about being "trained". They present themselves as a blank canvass or fresh clay from which the dom can make anything he desires. They claim that all they want is a man that will make them into whatever it is that he wants, so that they can be pleasing to him. Just for entertainment value I thought I'd post.
First off, submissives you have the right to seek whatever will make you happy, but not the right to complain if you get it. Far too often in my experience I have heard a woman ask for a man to make her anything he desires and then complain that he is not accepting her for who she is. To them I say this; if you offer yourself as no more than a pretty container that can be filled with whatever he would like, you are likely to get a man that likes the color of your eyes and the length of your legs and expects he can change everything else about you. You will be expected to cut and color your hair, maintain a certain figure, and learn to enjoy certain acts while never desiring others because that will suit his taste and your own is of no importance. That is what he was offered, so that’s what he expects. I grant you only one small concession, and that is that I believe the man should have ascertained more accurately what you were really offering before accepting you, and in that way it would be his fault. But understand even there that what I am saying is that you were nothing but a poor choice to begin with because you were either not honest about what you wanted, or not as self aware as you presented yourself as being. It will be the doms’ mistake, but his mistake will be in having believed you.
Now the rest of this is simply about my personal taste. I enjoy the full richness of a woman as a person. I don't want a toy, I want a partner. I want someone that meshes with me like a puzzle piece and adds to my life as I add to hers. What attracts me is someone that has her own experiences to share with me, new ways to please me, and skills I don't possess but that would benefit me greatly. To be honest, having to "train" her to much kind of ruins it for me. I don't want to learn what pleases her so that I can be sure to do it without regard to what I want, and I don't want to teach her to like every single thing I like while disregarding her own opinions. I want us to coincidentally like at least some of the same things. I don't mind at all if she expresses preferences and favorite activities. I don't mind at all offering my ideas and experiences while exploring an interest of hers that we share but that she has no experience with. I want it to be a natural flow though, not a forced routine that’s performed, even if it’s performed well. It’s my opinion that if the woman enjoys specific activities or pleasures, she ought to just be honest and let her partner know, D/s or not, and she should be respected even as he is obeyed. It really doesn't bother me that I didn't teach her EVERYTHING she knows, and usually the submissive seems pleased to be able to offer me something that is from her alone. Don’t get me wrong, I expect to change her, to help her learn (I prefer “Teach” to “Train”) But I want to add to all the positive things that are already there. Because there's really no way a woman is a blank canvass in this aspect of life. Anyone old enough to even be reading this blog about the topics we discuss is going to have lived enough life to have had experiences that affected and shaped them. Those experiences are the foundation of who a person is. That's what should be offered to a life partner, because that's what enriches a life.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Sunday, January 31, 2010
A What the...? Question. Why do "Feminists" hate femininity?
You know, I don't believe feminists are correctly named. They ought to be called anti-feminists in my opinion, because they generally deride anything feminine. Their message seems to be that women are no different than men, unless of course it benefits them to notice that difference.
Feminist females are the first to attack the choice my Ladies have made to build a life with me. The male is in charge? Abusive! One man and two women? Degrading! Clearly they have self esteem issues and have been brainwashed, right? Now we're pretty lucky in this regard. My Ladies have careers with major organizations and they do pretty serious shit. A mistake by either can literally cost their organizations multiple HUNDREDS of MILLIONS of dollars in any of a number of deals they handle everyday, and all of which they are handling simultaneously. My wife not only has a prenup agreement, but also can easily demonstrate many of the things that might be contested in a divorce were gifts. I mean things like the car and the house. Where I live, a gift is not subject to a divorce decree, as it is recognized as the sole property of the person receiving it regardless of marital situation or length of time between the gift and the divorce. Like that old song says "When you leave, don't take nothin', Cuz' not a damn thing belongs to you." Legally, I don't have much of anything. My name isn't even on her checking account. Our partner, aside from her career, has never had my name on her checking account, her car, or anything else really. In fact one of her limits is that I have to keep her informed of anything I do to her car. This ironically stems from a time when I would simply take her car to get it repaired or serviced without discussing it with her. It is my responsibility to take care of her, and the car was hers, and therefore my responsibility. That's radically different than thinking it was my car, but my just arranging it would piss her off. Turns out it left her a bit panic stricken. She had a bad childhood including the teen years, and had spent some time acutely aware that the car was her escape route if she needed it. Not being aware of everything involving it at all times left her nervous. To that end, I simply see to it that she's seeing to it, and I've never asked for any legal authority over it or anything else. She gave me a key, that's good enough for me. If she wants it back, all she has to do is ask.
The point of all this is, since in many legal ways I am actually at their mercy the feminist screeching tends to come to an abrupt halt when we encounter it. But why in the world does it exist? Shouldn't those seeking to elevate the power of the female in our society fight for the right of women to make any choice at all involving themselves? I jut recently found out that the US is in a sticky spot with the UN because in order to join some of the UN treaties, the US would need to legalize prostitution and completely let go any chance of ever making abortion illegal, because most other countries consider these womens rights issues, and women should have control of their own bodies. Apparently most first and even second world countries consider prostitution the womens choice, but have laws against pimping and trafficking. In other words, she can sell sex if she chooses, but no one can push her to do it. Now, if you can step back from the issues themselves, doesn't it seem reasonable to see these things as womens choice? Isn't it odd that the US of all places is the last country to grant a woman freedom over what she is allowed to do to and with her body? Where are the Feminists?
On a smaller scale, I just read JZ's post about showing or not showing cleavage. Isn't it sad it's an issue? Like JZ, I'm not talking about going to work with a bandaid on her nipples, just leaving the top two buttons on the blouse open. Does it strike anyone but me as terribly odd that an adult female (And no offense JZ, but I mean over 30 here) in a professional position should be forced to worry about the acceptibility of such attire in a world where the waist of jeans on (And I'm sorry again for the youngsters, but I'm old now) the waistband of jeans on a college KID absolutely requires that she be bikini waxed? And oh yes, the thong may well be showing. A whale tale is at worst a very minor fashion faux paux, and is quite possibly a fashion statement. So butt cleavage is OK but breast cleavage isn't in our world now? Or is it that the 20 somethings can show, but only until the age at which they should have graduated. Can grad students get a cleavage extension?
Cleavage is feminine, as are hips and, yes, a cute butt. Don't get me wrong, I think there's way to much societal emphasis on how women are supposed to look and not enough on their mental abilities and technical skills, but certainly the way a woman looks can create pleasure in a man. If a woman enjoys a glamour look, why can't she pursue that without somehow betraying the cause? Why is a gay woman perfectly acceptable to the feminist movement, but a plural marriage participant abhorrent? Shouldn't a feminist support femininity instead of trying to crush it? Shouldn't someone fighting for the Feminist Movement attack the 350 pound butch dyke in greasy jeans and leather with a cropped haircut and leave my pantsuit or skirt attired, lipstick and eye make-up wearing, demuring to me by CHOICE Ladies alone? In fact, shouldn't they be defending, if not my Ladies personally, at least their right to make the choice to be who they are? Why do the Feminists hate the feminine?
Feminist females are the first to attack the choice my Ladies have made to build a life with me. The male is in charge? Abusive! One man and two women? Degrading! Clearly they have self esteem issues and have been brainwashed, right? Now we're pretty lucky in this regard. My Ladies have careers with major organizations and they do pretty serious shit. A mistake by either can literally cost their organizations multiple HUNDREDS of MILLIONS of dollars in any of a number of deals they handle everyday, and all of which they are handling simultaneously. My wife not only has a prenup agreement, but also can easily demonstrate many of the things that might be contested in a divorce were gifts. I mean things like the car and the house. Where I live, a gift is not subject to a divorce decree, as it is recognized as the sole property of the person receiving it regardless of marital situation or length of time between the gift and the divorce. Like that old song says "When you leave, don't take nothin', Cuz' not a damn thing belongs to you." Legally, I don't have much of anything. My name isn't even on her checking account. Our partner, aside from her career, has never had my name on her checking account, her car, or anything else really. In fact one of her limits is that I have to keep her informed of anything I do to her car. This ironically stems from a time when I would simply take her car to get it repaired or serviced without discussing it with her. It is my responsibility to take care of her, and the car was hers, and therefore my responsibility. That's radically different than thinking it was my car, but my just arranging it would piss her off. Turns out it left her a bit panic stricken. She had a bad childhood including the teen years, and had spent some time acutely aware that the car was her escape route if she needed it. Not being aware of everything involving it at all times left her nervous. To that end, I simply see to it that she's seeing to it, and I've never asked for any legal authority over it or anything else. She gave me a key, that's good enough for me. If she wants it back, all she has to do is ask.
The point of all this is, since in many legal ways I am actually at their mercy the feminist screeching tends to come to an abrupt halt when we encounter it. But why in the world does it exist? Shouldn't those seeking to elevate the power of the female in our society fight for the right of women to make any choice at all involving themselves? I jut recently found out that the US is in a sticky spot with the UN because in order to join some of the UN treaties, the US would need to legalize prostitution and completely let go any chance of ever making abortion illegal, because most other countries consider these womens rights issues, and women should have control of their own bodies. Apparently most first and even second world countries consider prostitution the womens choice, but have laws against pimping and trafficking. In other words, she can sell sex if she chooses, but no one can push her to do it. Now, if you can step back from the issues themselves, doesn't it seem reasonable to see these things as womens choice? Isn't it odd that the US of all places is the last country to grant a woman freedom over what she is allowed to do to and with her body? Where are the Feminists?
On a smaller scale, I just read JZ's post about showing or not showing cleavage. Isn't it sad it's an issue? Like JZ, I'm not talking about going to work with a bandaid on her nipples, just leaving the top two buttons on the blouse open. Does it strike anyone but me as terribly odd that an adult female (And no offense JZ, but I mean over 30 here) in a professional position should be forced to worry about the acceptibility of such attire in a world where the waist of jeans on (And I'm sorry again for the youngsters, but I'm old now) the waistband of jeans on a college KID absolutely requires that she be bikini waxed? And oh yes, the thong may well be showing. A whale tale is at worst a very minor fashion faux paux, and is quite possibly a fashion statement. So butt cleavage is OK but breast cleavage isn't in our world now? Or is it that the 20 somethings can show, but only until the age at which they should have graduated. Can grad students get a cleavage extension?
Cleavage is feminine, as are hips and, yes, a cute butt. Don't get me wrong, I think there's way to much societal emphasis on how women are supposed to look and not enough on their mental abilities and technical skills, but certainly the way a woman looks can create pleasure in a man. If a woman enjoys a glamour look, why can't she pursue that without somehow betraying the cause? Why is a gay woman perfectly acceptable to the feminist movement, but a plural marriage participant abhorrent? Shouldn't a feminist support femininity instead of trying to crush it? Shouldn't someone fighting for the Feminist Movement attack the 350 pound butch dyke in greasy jeans and leather with a cropped haircut and leave my pantsuit or skirt attired, lipstick and eye make-up wearing, demuring to me by CHOICE Ladies alone? In fact, shouldn't they be defending, if not my Ladies personally, at least their right to make the choice to be who they are? Why do the Feminists hate the feminine?
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
I've seen a couple of things lately that, to be honest, seem silly to me. These deal with the ideas that a dom should never prevent a sub from seeing friends or family, and another is that a sub should never tell someone she isn't allowed to do something because her dom forbids it. The theory behind this is that the vanilla folk involved have rights too and we need not to step on their toes or make them uncomfortable with our lifestyle. I disagree.
Sometimes the submissive's nature is recognized(If not understood) and she is being taken advantage of because she is submissive. Sometimes the cure for that is for the partner in charge (Whatever the title) to simply have the submissive tell the user that she isn't available because the boss said so. My Ladies get vacation time from their employers. When first we met, one had never used all her allotted time even though she'd been with the company for several years. What that means is she effectively worked several days a year for free. To this day she has a rule (My rule) that insists she take all her time. I don't think the situation was intentional, but she has a submissive nature and a desire to please. She works in a busy department for a large multinational corporation and it is a burden to her colleagues if she takes time off. It increases their workload. This made her feel somewhat guilty, so she didn't take time off unless she had to. Sick time, family emergencies yes, but never simple vacations for pleasure. Now she has no issue with it, and understands she not only deserves it, but that as a component of her "Compensation package" she actually earns the time, it is not gift. Back then she began taking her vacations somewhat reluctantly only because I insisted on it.
Further, I place the order in restaraunts and the Ladies have both indicated that this is an aspect of our relationship that they each enjoy. They don't even look at the menu. This tends to throw the server and often gets looks from other patrons. Occasionally it is apparent that we are the source of conversations. If these people are uncomfortable, to be honest I plain don't care. Generally these people have obnoxious children or get into arguments with their spouses all with absolutely no regard for our right to enjoy our evening.
As far as friends and family go, I'm fortunate that I've not faced that dilemma. Lady 1 has a loving family that has accepted our situation and hosts ALL of us warmly for family holidays and so on. Lady 2 has parents that are truly vile people, and the conflict between she and I for a time was that she has simply totally shut them out of her life as far as possible. No calls, no gifts, most of the time they may as well not exist. At first I felt she should try to reconcile with them, but on the occasions they force themselves into our lives they conduct themselves with such a vicious demeanor that I've come to completely agree it would be best if they were to suddenly vanish. They bring my Lady nothing but pain and sorrow, and worse they both go out of their way to do so and obviously relish doing it. It's clear in retrospect, but it hadn't occurred to me at first that a father that sexually and physically abused his daughter as a child and a mother who knew and both allowed and covered it up would not become decent human beings just because their daughter grew up. If Lady 2's attitude were not what it is, I'm afraid I might have to limit contact for both her health and her safety.
In a way, this comes back to my previous post concerning labels and defined limits. Plain obligations would also be involved. No matter what term you use, if the partner with authority both understood and accepted that he was literally responsible for the life of the other in all ways, and if as a community all those involved applied peer pressure to maintain a standard, then there would be very few problems and there would be a support network for those few that fell victim despite all efforts.
In that vein and in my opinion, at least in regard to my Ladies, I as team leader have an absolute obligation and duty to at times restrict who my Ladies associate with even to include family. I also positively must, at times, insist that they refuse a request that they would otherwise grant. Of course I would also be obligated to both allow and encourage healthy relationships and life-expanding opportunities. In fact that would be my duty and my obligation.
Sometimes the submissive's nature is recognized(If not understood) and she is being taken advantage of because she is submissive. Sometimes the cure for that is for the partner in charge (Whatever the title) to simply have the submissive tell the user that she isn't available because the boss said so. My Ladies get vacation time from their employers. When first we met, one had never used all her allotted time even though she'd been with the company for several years. What that means is she effectively worked several days a year for free. To this day she has a rule (My rule) that insists she take all her time. I don't think the situation was intentional, but she has a submissive nature and a desire to please. She works in a busy department for a large multinational corporation and it is a burden to her colleagues if she takes time off. It increases their workload. This made her feel somewhat guilty, so she didn't take time off unless she had to. Sick time, family emergencies yes, but never simple vacations for pleasure. Now she has no issue with it, and understands she not only deserves it, but that as a component of her "Compensation package" she actually earns the time, it is not gift. Back then she began taking her vacations somewhat reluctantly only because I insisted on it.
Further, I place the order in restaraunts and the Ladies have both indicated that this is an aspect of our relationship that they each enjoy. They don't even look at the menu. This tends to throw the server and often gets looks from other patrons. Occasionally it is apparent that we are the source of conversations. If these people are uncomfortable, to be honest I plain don't care. Generally these people have obnoxious children or get into arguments with their spouses all with absolutely no regard for our right to enjoy our evening.
As far as friends and family go, I'm fortunate that I've not faced that dilemma. Lady 1 has a loving family that has accepted our situation and hosts ALL of us warmly for family holidays and so on. Lady 2 has parents that are truly vile people, and the conflict between she and I for a time was that she has simply totally shut them out of her life as far as possible. No calls, no gifts, most of the time they may as well not exist. At first I felt she should try to reconcile with them, but on the occasions they force themselves into our lives they conduct themselves with such a vicious demeanor that I've come to completely agree it would be best if they were to suddenly vanish. They bring my Lady nothing but pain and sorrow, and worse they both go out of their way to do so and obviously relish doing it. It's clear in retrospect, but it hadn't occurred to me at first that a father that sexually and physically abused his daughter as a child and a mother who knew and both allowed and covered it up would not become decent human beings just because their daughter grew up. If Lady 2's attitude were not what it is, I'm afraid I might have to limit contact for both her health and her safety.
In a way, this comes back to my previous post concerning labels and defined limits. Plain obligations would also be involved. No matter what term you use, if the partner with authority both understood and accepted that he was literally responsible for the life of the other in all ways, and if as a community all those involved applied peer pressure to maintain a standard, then there would be very few problems and there would be a support network for those few that fell victim despite all efforts.
In that vein and in my opinion, at least in regard to my Ladies, I as team leader have an absolute obligation and duty to at times restrict who my Ladies associate with even to include family. I also positively must, at times, insist that they refuse a request that they would otherwise grant. Of course I would also be obligated to both allow and encourage healthy relationships and life-expanding opportunities. In fact that would be my duty and my obligation.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
As a distraction....the abuse issue still makes me angry
I'm in a venting mood so I'll vent on this. Basically just wanting to blog because it bothers me I haven't been, but I have nothing relevant to say, so I picked this topic.
I so resent both that what is called the BDSM lifestyle is used to justify abuse, and even more that those involved allow it to be used in such a fashion. I have had people in the past ask about my feelings about abuse. They want to know how I see a line being crossed for someone that has agreed to or even asked to be “hurt”. It’s pretty simple really, anything that is damaging to the submissive is abusive no matter how it is justified. Notice I did not say injurious, because I understand there are those out there that play a whole lot rougher than I ever have had the desire to do, and sometimes some pretty weird stuff (By my standards) seems to have a positive effect on the people involved. Note too I don't limit hurt to the physical.
When asked how a person can tell where the line that shouldn’t be crossed is in regards to “punishing” a submissive, I often use an analogy referencing owning a classic car. The point being, if your classic car doesn’t start one morning the way to address the problem is not to get out, kick the shit out of the fenders, and expect that now it will run fine. If you do that you will now have a slightly to severely damaged classic car (Depending entirely on how hard and how much YOU the owner kicked it) that still doesn’t start. Now you have the original problem and some new ones to overcome. Instead I suggest remaining calm in the face of your frustration and conducting a logical investigation into what is causing the no-start problem. Once you find the problem, it’s likely to be an easy fix, and it will be the only problem that needs to be resolved. Finding the problem might take a while, and it may not be anything obvious. It’s likely to take a little patience to get to the cause, but then if owning rare and beautiful things was easy everyone would have three, wouldn’t they? I think just about anyone should see the truth in that analogy, but somehow an awful lot of people claim they don’t see the correlation. They claim women aren’t machines; they are more like “Pets”. O.K. Let’s follow that concept out. So instead of a Mustang or Camaro, you are kicking a misbehaving dog. Let’s say a Chihuahua (Sorry ladies, but it needed to be something that seems at first glance to be non-threatening). Not a dog with a reputation for aggressiveness. Not one usually seen as a pit-fighter. But let’s say you kick that dog a few times. What do you suppose that dog is going to do?
Uh huh, she’s going to bite you. See, living creatures have an ability inanimate machines don’t. They can strike back. So to those that disagree with me on this, just remember fellas if you ever wake up one morning with your hands tied to the bed above your head and your amputated dick stuffed in your mouth as a gag, it could get worse. I could find out, and I’ll say I told you so while I laugh. After all, I’m the guy that said there IS a right way, and yours isn’t it.
But here's the thing that irritates me to a much larger degree. The "Community" that refuses to take a stand against abuse and irresponsible activities because they don't want to risk being accused of claiming "My kink is O.K. but yours isn't." I've got news for you. If your kink has the effect of destroying a submissives self esteem and self confidence, of removing from her the ability to function independently and making her physically dependent as a method of controlling her, then your kink is not O.K. under any circumstances and yes that means even if she asked. And if in your opinion that makes me an intolerant bigot that's trying to label you, I'm fine with that. It's just a simple fact that if any level of power exchange relationship is ever going to be acceptable in general society then we who practice it are going to have to police ourselves. That means we have to create labels that we can use to define ourselves both to the outsiders and to ourselves, and then we have to enforce those limits.
I so resent both that what is called the BDSM lifestyle is used to justify abuse, and even more that those involved allow it to be used in such a fashion. I have had people in the past ask about my feelings about abuse. They want to know how I see a line being crossed for someone that has agreed to or even asked to be “hurt”. It’s pretty simple really, anything that is damaging to the submissive is abusive no matter how it is justified. Notice I did not say injurious, because I understand there are those out there that play a whole lot rougher than I ever have had the desire to do, and sometimes some pretty weird stuff (By my standards) seems to have a positive effect on the people involved. Note too I don't limit hurt to the physical.
When asked how a person can tell where the line that shouldn’t be crossed is in regards to “punishing” a submissive, I often use an analogy referencing owning a classic car. The point being, if your classic car doesn’t start one morning the way to address the problem is not to get out, kick the shit out of the fenders, and expect that now it will run fine. If you do that you will now have a slightly to severely damaged classic car (Depending entirely on how hard and how much YOU the owner kicked it) that still doesn’t start. Now you have the original problem and some new ones to overcome. Instead I suggest remaining calm in the face of your frustration and conducting a logical investigation into what is causing the no-start problem. Once you find the problem, it’s likely to be an easy fix, and it will be the only problem that needs to be resolved. Finding the problem might take a while, and it may not be anything obvious. It’s likely to take a little patience to get to the cause, but then if owning rare and beautiful things was easy everyone would have three, wouldn’t they? I think just about anyone should see the truth in that analogy, but somehow an awful lot of people claim they don’t see the correlation. They claim women aren’t machines; they are more like “Pets”. O.K. Let’s follow that concept out. So instead of a Mustang or Camaro, you are kicking a misbehaving dog. Let’s say a Chihuahua (Sorry ladies, but it needed to be something that seems at first glance to be non-threatening). Not a dog with a reputation for aggressiveness. Not one usually seen as a pit-fighter. But let’s say you kick that dog a few times. What do you suppose that dog is going to do?
Uh huh, she’s going to bite you. See, living creatures have an ability inanimate machines don’t. They can strike back. So to those that disagree with me on this, just remember fellas if you ever wake up one morning with your hands tied to the bed above your head and your amputated dick stuffed in your mouth as a gag, it could get worse. I could find out, and I’ll say I told you so while I laugh. After all, I’m the guy that said there IS a right way, and yours isn’t it.
But here's the thing that irritates me to a much larger degree. The "Community" that refuses to take a stand against abuse and irresponsible activities because they don't want to risk being accused of claiming "My kink is O.K. but yours isn't." I've got news for you. If your kink has the effect of destroying a submissives self esteem and self confidence, of removing from her the ability to function independently and making her physically dependent as a method of controlling her, then your kink is not O.K. under any circumstances and yes that means even if she asked. And if in your opinion that makes me an intolerant bigot that's trying to label you, I'm fine with that. It's just a simple fact that if any level of power exchange relationship is ever going to be acceptable in general society then we who practice it are going to have to police ourselves. That means we have to create labels that we can use to define ourselves both to the outsiders and to ourselves, and then we have to enforce those limits.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
The railroad engineer woke up groggy, looked at the clock and sat bolt upright wide awake. He was 20 minutes late! He shot from the bed to the bathroom where he showered and then nicked himself badly shaving. He grabbed coffee as he headed out the door, only to spill it in his lap on the way to work. Getting out of the car quickly he started to run, only to hear a loud RIIIIP as he tore the coat tail that was caught in the door of the car. The sudden stop jolted his cap from his hand, and it landed squarely in a mud puddle. Freeing himself from the car he grabbed up his cap and made it to the train he was to drive. He fired it up, hooked to the passenger cars and pulled out of the station. He worked diligently to shave seconds here and a minute there, and a little more than an hour later was nearly back on schedule. Running at his top allowed speed he rounded a sweeping curve only to see another train on the same track barreling straight toward him. Calmly he turned to the fireman and said
"You ever have one of those days when just nothing goes right?"
Well I just did. It occurs to me I've had one of those days most days for nearly two years, and I'm pretty worn down. I'm starting to wonder why I try, and possibly worse, sometimes I decide not to try. I've been told I'm wound too tight. Things bother me when they shouldn't. I've been told I don't charge enough for my labor, I shouldn't worry if I don't meet every expectation of a client, I am obsessively honest, I shouldn't be such a perfectionist, I should occasionally put myself first before even the Ladies.
I always try to consider the other person, and help if I possibly can even if it means some sacrifice on my part. I'm the kind of guy that comes to a red light first in line and pulls into the left lane in case the guy behind me wants to make a right. I'm the sucker that tosses the bum a buck.
And all I get is screwed.
I have stood for what is right and decent my whole life, and lately I can not remember why. And I don't know what to do about it. I seem to be losing all motivation to be the person I am, or at least was, mostly because there always seems to be a pretty high cost and there never seems to be a reward. I have this little voice in my head that just says "Fuck it", and I find myself agreeing. And the sorriest part is, it's working. I'm putting in less effort but still getting "Atta-boys" at work. I've got more free time, and actually, I spend less money. I hope soon to finally climb out of this pile of shit my life has become, and I actually hope I can keep this attitude. I want to focus 100% on my Ladies and not get involved with the rest of the world, which apparently only resents my efforts anyway. And if I can just not get involved for long enough, hopefully I will no longer be the one people call when they need their car fixed and they're broke. When they need the snow cleared from their drive for free. When their violent husband (Who I told them not to get involved with in the first place) is beating them to death and they need some help. When they need a ride to the hospital and then a place to stay.
Because I don't want to be that guy any more. It hurts me and it hurts my Ladies. So fuck it.
"You ever have one of those days when just nothing goes right?"
Well I just did. It occurs to me I've had one of those days most days for nearly two years, and I'm pretty worn down. I'm starting to wonder why I try, and possibly worse, sometimes I decide not to try. I've been told I'm wound too tight. Things bother me when they shouldn't. I've been told I don't charge enough for my labor, I shouldn't worry if I don't meet every expectation of a client, I am obsessively honest, I shouldn't be such a perfectionist, I should occasionally put myself first before even the Ladies.
I always try to consider the other person, and help if I possibly can even if it means some sacrifice on my part. I'm the kind of guy that comes to a red light first in line and pulls into the left lane in case the guy behind me wants to make a right. I'm the sucker that tosses the bum a buck.
And all I get is screwed.
I have stood for what is right and decent my whole life, and lately I can not remember why. And I don't know what to do about it. I seem to be losing all motivation to be the person I am, or at least was, mostly because there always seems to be a pretty high cost and there never seems to be a reward. I have this little voice in my head that just says "Fuck it", and I find myself agreeing. And the sorriest part is, it's working. I'm putting in less effort but still getting "Atta-boys" at work. I've got more free time, and actually, I spend less money. I hope soon to finally climb out of this pile of shit my life has become, and I actually hope I can keep this attitude. I want to focus 100% on my Ladies and not get involved with the rest of the world, which apparently only resents my efforts anyway. And if I can just not get involved for long enough, hopefully I will no longer be the one people call when they need their car fixed and they're broke. When they need the snow cleared from their drive for free. When their violent husband (Who I told them not to get involved with in the first place) is beating them to death and they need some help. When they need a ride to the hospital and then a place to stay.
Because I don't want to be that guy any more. It hurts me and it hurts my Ladies. So fuck it.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Happy New Year, I guess
So, a new year. I have to admit I'm having a hard time seeing the point. I'm not going to cry a river, and for several reasons I'm not really allowed to discuss a lot of things. But I must admit, lately I have had a really hard time remaining positive and seeing the potential in this new year. I've reached a point where I don't even see the point assuming I am successful with the things I want to do. It's after Christmas, the first of the year, fresh start and all that,and supposedly a joyful, hopeful time but I'm not feeling it. I'm realistic enough to understand I couldn't do it alone anyway, but I've come to the conclusion that if somehow I could actually grasp the world by it's shoulders and pull it's collective head from it's ass, the world would simply yelp in fear and shove it's head right back in. Everytime I overcome an obstacle it seems a bigger one is thrust before me. No good deed seems to go un-punished. I catch myself wondering why I bother.
My amazement, respect, and awe of my ladies has grown larger than ever. For nearly two years I have been in a virtual whirlwind of shit and razorblades, and the Ladies have stood resolutely by my side despite each paying a tremendous personal cost. Their loyalty, strength of character, and dedication can simply never be questioned by anyone. I will always be grateful for, and thankful to, each of them. Thank you, and thank God for you, my Ladies.
My amazement, respect, and awe of my ladies has grown larger than ever. For nearly two years I have been in a virtual whirlwind of shit and razorblades, and the Ladies have stood resolutely by my side despite each paying a tremendous personal cost. Their loyalty, strength of character, and dedication can simply never be questioned by anyone. I will always be grateful for, and thankful to, each of them. Thank you, and thank God for you, my Ladies.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Uh Oh, Politics...
This post will reveal to an extent my political bent, or at least many of you will likely think it does. So you've been warned, if you aren't willing to go there, don't. Leave now while you can still think well of me, lol.
First I suppose you should know this is pretty much the most public electronic contact I have with the outside world. I don't Tweet, I don't have a Facebook page, or any of that stuff. My Ladies do, and more power to them, I just don't see the need. One thing this avoids in my experience is the online backhanded comment. That's where someone tries to slide in an insulting shot by virtue of an ostensibly innocent social network site comment knowing you'll see it if they do. Most people let those things slide. Most people.
So the other day one of my Ladies is reading her friend's facebook comments, and this friend made a comment I'm sure we've all heard before to the effect of "I can't understand how so many people can claim to be kinky AND conservative at the same time". My Lady saw this, apparently felt it was pointed at her (I can tell you I don't know it was, but it's easily possible it was exactly that) and shot back "And I can't understand how so many people can claim to be liberal and conscious at the same time". I laughed so hard my eyes were tearing up. She doesn't let anyone push her around, that one, I can promise you. The irony of it all is that, of the two, she's not the tough one.
No long post here, I just wanted to share. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Hanukkah, and Merry Kwanzaa. And if I still missed you, I hope you're happy too, with a very few exceptions. That's it for tonight.
First I suppose you should know this is pretty much the most public electronic contact I have with the outside world. I don't Tweet, I don't have a Facebook page, or any of that stuff. My Ladies do, and more power to them, I just don't see the need. One thing this avoids in my experience is the online backhanded comment. That's where someone tries to slide in an insulting shot by virtue of an ostensibly innocent social network site comment knowing you'll see it if they do. Most people let those things slide. Most people.
So the other day one of my Ladies is reading her friend's facebook comments, and this friend made a comment I'm sure we've all heard before to the effect of "I can't understand how so many people can claim to be kinky AND conservative at the same time". My Lady saw this, apparently felt it was pointed at her (I can tell you I don't know it was, but it's easily possible it was exactly that) and shot back "And I can't understand how so many people can claim to be liberal and conscious at the same time". I laughed so hard my eyes were tearing up. She doesn't let anyone push her around, that one, I can promise you. The irony of it all is that, of the two, she's not the tough one.
No long post here, I just wanted to share. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Hanukkah, and Merry Kwanzaa. And if I still missed you, I hope you're happy too, with a very few exceptions. That's it for tonight.
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