This topic was GG's idea, and it was a good one.....

Last night I read Greengirls latest post. In case you haven't read it, it's here: http://greengirl-whatiwonder.blogspot.com/2010/07/from-island-of-misfit-girls.html. In sum it basically discusses how she feels about never fitting in even as a kid, and how that affects her sometimes. I had a really strong reaction to the comments that had been offered by the time I read the post. I was a bit taken aback at the attitudes expressed in the comments, and that's what has motivated me to write this tonight. It’s important to remember that the views expressed here are mine and Greengirl will get them just as the rest of you do, when (And that’s IF) she even reads this blog. The views are mine, whatever you think of them. Please remember that. And Greengirl, I know I never asked but thanks for letting me crib your notes.

I thought I shared the pain of what GG was describing until I read the comments. But the comments seemed to me to just minimize the things that were described. The impact of them on a person. Advice saying just ignore the other folks and do what you do, just be yourself, just be happy. These types of statements fail to acknowledge the real struggle that living out of sync with the entire world can be. One doesn’t just CHOOSE to be fulfilled, one needs to be in an environment where they actually ARE fulfilled so they can feel it. My question is simply this; Where in all the great wide world are the other people like me? I want to meet other people like myself. When you leave the vanilla world for the world of misfits and edgeplayers, and you realize you don't fit into the misfits' world either, where do you go for companionship? Where do you go so you can NOT feel like the weird one, at least for a little while? Where can you go so that you can be truly comfortable "Being yourself" with absolutely no lingering feeling of a potential need for defensiveness? In these circumstances, where can you expect to truly be allowed to completely "Be yourself"? I don't know.

I’m an intelligent, articulate, fairly tolerant guy and I find that often people I meet come to like me. But I never seem to meet people that ARE like me. People that feel just what I feel and think just what I think. I enjoy meeting people with ideas that complement mine, but isn’t it possible that somehow, somewhere there are a few people whose ideas MIRROR mine? Again, I only speak for myself, but it occasionally feels like I’m the stranger in a strange land, unlike anyone else I will ever meet. Unable to make myself truly understood by the world at large because my ideas are just a little too foreign and just a little too different to ever be completely accepted. Different in subtle ways maybe, but so deeply different that there is no overcoming it. It’s like dealing with a constant case of culture shock. You are always a little on guard.

The comments seemed to either not understand that fact, or just not consider it. When I hear a group discussing “TTWD”, in my ears that rings a bit hollow because the closest thing to a “We” I find in the life is the group made up of my Ladies and I. I hear these kinds of statements and I think “Who’s this WE I keep hearing about? Where is this wonderful group?” Because it feels a lot like my Ladies and I are out here all alone, even among friends. And what that means is, it gets lonely. You don’t just ignore that and find joy and happiness in life. It leaves a hole that sometimes is noticeable. A hole I for one would like to fill, if only I could find what I need to do it.

So, GG, assuming I understood your post correctly let me say I understand how you feel. I enjoy my uniqueness and individuality, as I think you enjoy yours. But I sometimes long for the anonymity that can be found in being just another face in a very like-minded crowd, and the comfort of knowing I'm with a group of people among whom nothing I do or believe will be challenged, or questioned, or seem out of place or the least little bit shocking. A place where there is no unique aspect of my day-to-day life to steal attention from whatever topic I am discussing. I want to brag about my Ladies talents without the basic nature of our relationship becoming the center of attention, and I want everyone in the room to see their spectacular magnificence without any chance of our everyday lives being a distraction to it. Sometimes I feel the absence of the existence of such a place very keenly. When I do I know intellectually that it's a passing feeling and everything is really all right, but there really is no way to just shrug that feeling off. It's a terribly uncomfortable feeling and it can be very persistent.

When I attempt to discuss that feeling, or see someone else attempting to, and I then see several opinions that "What others think doesn't matter, just shake it off", my feelings of being different are actually increased, because once again, I seem to be the only one not in sync. Once again I'm the one that doesn't seem to fit in. Ironic, isn't it?

Captain's Personal Log; Stardate07282010

I think I've gained another smidgen of understanding into masochists, and therefore my Ladies as well. It's been a long day and I was tired when I got home. One Lady likes a fire in the pit out back, and I built her one even though it was late and had rained earlier. Wet wood isn't eager to burn, but I got it to do so. In the process I blistered and cut my hands a little. Lady 2 feels spoiled by virtue of having her coffee made in the morning. We have a machine that does it automatically. But tonight we are out of the usual bottled water, and I hate to use our tap stuff. So even though it was well after 11 and I get up early for work, off I went to the store. While there I noticed a guy looking at me, especially my hand. It was then I realized I was splitting wood and building the fire, then ran to the store, so I am dirty, smell like smoke, and this guy is staring at my hand because it's slowly dripping blood. It didn't really hurt, but it was bleeding. Intellectually I knew he was thinking I should be embarrassed. But the reality is I felt arrogant, cocky, even defiant. I felt like saying "Yes, my women are sitting in front of a crackling fire despite the earlier rain and the wet wood. They are enjoying that while yours is not because I bent a force of nature to my will for no other reason than I wanted it to be so. I will have coffee in the morning because I simply won't allow circumstances to decide otherwise for my Ladies. I wanted to tell this guy to his face that my Ladies were better off than whoever he happened to be with because I was stronger than him, and he couldn't have hacked it. I didn't of course, but it was really a powerful feeling. I don't plan on changing my life over this, but I think I get my partners better tonight than I did last night, and that's good.

Captain's Personal Log: Stardate 07172010

Life's been pretty good these last few days. I've had to sell all but one of my motorcycles, but I've gotten the last remaining bike out of storage and on the road and I've put in almost 200 miles in the last three days. I'm getting the budget back under control, and we've all agreed we want to re-establish the authority levels we used to enjoy before the storm I've mentioned began. But there's always a catch. One of my Ladies has a cousin that has been very ill and is not expected to last much longer. The Lady has gone to visit the cousin hoping to bring her some comfort. This means Fairlady 2 and I will be alone together, which for some reason invariably leads to a fight. I really don't know why, but it seems that every time she and I are in the "Traditional couple" roles, she get's nitpicky and naggy. It happened again, and I confess I shouldn't have been surprised but I was caught off guard. This time though I handled it differently. The complaint this time around had to do with the house not being kept to her satisfaction. This time I decided not to bother with logical arguments as to why I'd arranged things as they were. I just reorganized things so as to meet her newly expressed desires. Unfortunately this involves her being assigned a couple of tasks she really finds unpleasant, but when she pointed this out I responded that her sister and I had both had a shot at those particular chores prior to this, and clearly we couldn't manage them, so she'll just have to do it herself. I also listed several things as far as outdoor chores I handle that were not even mentioned in her list-of-things-we need-to-do-better just to show the time and energy put forth, and reminded her that I also decide the menu for dinner at home, do the shopping for the most part, and all the cooking. Oh, and by the way, even with the destruction wrought to my business by the storm, I still make about the same amount she does, so I think I'm pulling my weight. It's not like I'm sitting on my ass all day. So, we'll see how this goes. Either she'll decide her standards were too high and shut up about it, or I'll have an even cleaner house starting next week. Either way I win, and there was no fight.

An Experiment...

My intentions for this blog have changed quite a bit since it's inception. Part of that has been talking to folks I know, and part has been reading the blogs I either don't know at all or know only virtually. I've gotten quite a bit out of the blogs that are near-daily diary's, and recently I was told both that I need to put myself first more often and that I should try putting things in writing as a means of "Venting" that would have little or no actual consequence. SO, immediately following this I'll be posting the first (And fair warning, possibly last) diary style post. In order to differentiate these from the more typical commentary post I've decided to steal a page from one of my favorite TV series (You have to guess which one) and label them "Captain's Personal Log" with a date. I thought of making a second blog, but life's too complicated as it is, so I decided to "Put myself first" and leave the task of sorting between them to the reader. On the upside it's one less blog for you guys to manage as well. Thanks for being out there.

The reports of my demise are greatly exagerated (Which is sure to be a great disappointment to some...)

I know, I know, it's been quite some time since I've written anything here. In fact I've not even visited to read others blogs much actually. I've been dealing with some things here in real life that were taking precedence. It has to do with that storm of shit and razorblades I've mentioned a couple of times. We have won a significant battle on that front and that's a positive thing, but the cost of what has been inflicted on us has recently been underscored as well, and I think things will never be what they were again. However, the war is not over so at this point I can't tell you any more. I intend at this point to come back to the blog as I am able. I've not decided on a direction yet. I might change everything or nothing. I'm sure I will continue to be a moody, opinionated bastard, so for better or worse don't expect anything different on that score. I just wanted to let everyone know I was still alive and pushing back, the Ladies are still loyal to the core, and posts will begin to flow again soon. Take care all.