That's the question. Oh, and pardon the language.

Recently was asked if my family doesn't identify as dom and sub, how do we identify? I know I just got advice on etiquette but since there are, what, four followers? I'll point out that it was Greengirl, because we probably are all going to know that. It's a very good question, and in fact the major reason I'm here. I don't know how to identify. Thus the name of the blog "What the..." And the address, "But then how..."

Understand, I like lables. I know that's wholly politically incorrect in "The lifestyle", and I plain don't give a damn. I'm certain I mentioned this before, but I'll reiterate that I was involved in D/s for a long time. I've wanted a relationship where the man leads and the woman supports as long as I can remember. I think men should be men and women should be ALLOWED to be feminine if they choose. I have no argument with the most butch dyke out there, I just don't want to date her, and I don't want her running down my Ladies for liking frilly girl things and wanting to please me. In fact as a man I'm not going to allow it, because as a man I CAN NOT allow it. See how that works? Lable!

I want to know what we are. And from there what I should do about it to make life as good as it can possibly be for all of us. I like this, not that, the Ladies like this and not that. What does that make us, and what else fits into that? And where and how do I then go get it?

When I enlisted in the military, I did it for all kinds of reasons. But one of those reasons was I wanted to live my life by a certain code, being required to meet certain minimum standards. I was taught to respect the military by men that served in WWII. The military had the reputation of being made up of people that were honorable, selfless, dedicated, and committed. People that had that code. It turned out not to be exactly so. D/s was the same. I had been exposed as a fairly young teen, again when I was not quite 20, and I was told it was all based on honor, chivalry, commitment to your partner, and commitment to a high personal standard that had to be maintained or there would be consequences from this little self contained community. Instead I found a place where people use the desires and hopes of others to manipulate each other. Where physical abuse is supposedly not if the submissive who suffered it offered some kind of blanket agreement "To do anything". A promise that seems always to have been given to someone the submissive felt safe trusting that much because they genuinely believed that person would never hurt them. They believed they were safe offering such unconditional trust because the other person would value their safety and well being as much (Or even more than) they themselves did. And let's not forget that it's a place where almost anything can be excused because "I like them". You know what I mean, "I know he or she does this or that, but I LIKE them" as if that has any relevance at all. It's a place where when the standards are clearly broken YOU are the bad guy if you point that out. Instead you are supposed to look the other way because it's none of your business, at least not now.

I really don't mind being called "Dom", except that the "Well respected dominants" I've seen are more often than not just self-centered jackasses more interested in image management and getting laid than their submissive's well being or living up to the high standards they claim all dominants have to meet. I don't think either of the Ladies has any problem with being called submissive, except for the two-faced lying bitch submissives they've seen who pretend to be perfect little obedient SLAVE girls when their partner is in the room, and then deride and insult him or her behind their backs when they aren't, all the while suggesting to my Ladies that if I never find out they disobeyed my wishes it doesn't count. So basically, that's where we are.

Just today I heard a radio program discussing that because of the current American culture, in high school they are teaching students that a healthy relationship means the people involved are happy to be in the relationship. There's all kinds of things involved in that according to the class that I'm not going to go into, but I think at the core that's exactly right. If you're happy to be in your relationship, it's probably a good and healthy one. I am happy in a relationship where I am looked to to set the tone and lead the way, and the Ladies are happy in a relationship where they express their needs and desires and are offered guidance on how to meet them, or simply have them met outright. Where our roles are clearly defined and are gently enforced. ALL our roles, not just theirs. What we are NOT interested in is "Fair" or "Equal". If things turn out equal, great. But if we're all happy, equal is kind of irrelevant. Fair is a point of view. Nothing anywhere is ever completely fair from all possible points of view. It's a waste of time to fight that.

So, I'm looking for that lable. I would like to find it so I can gain a better self understanding, a better understanding of the Ladies so I can take better care of them, and maybe we can find a community of actually like minded people. People I can respect instead of tolerate. So, at any point, anyone that thinks they can define me please do so. Don't be shy or feel uncomfortable that's why I'm here, to hear your opinions.

etiquette help requested

I've been browsing blogs, and seen a couple of things I'd like to post about myself. Is there an etiquette to that? Do I identify the original poster (As I would expect to do)? Or should I leave them ananymous so I don't appear to be addressing them directly (Occasionally I'll be disagreeing with someones opinions)? If I am motivated by a claimed sub to write my own post, do I discuss that with the dom first, or is it fair game when it's made public? I'm not usually concerned with political correctness but I do believe in common courtesy. If I offend someone I want it to be legitimate and intentional. ;)

Thanks for any advice.

Tomcat};{>

A funny thing happened to me while I was out looking for myself.....

So something a bit jolting happened to me a while back. I was mistaken for submissive. Please don't misunderstand me, I wasn't offended, but I was shocked. In fact I was a bit flattered in a way, because I've always said I don't think I have what it takes to be submissive. Submissives, at least good ones, are fluid in a way that just flabbergasts me. It just amazes me how quickly and how smoothly my Ladies can altar their entire days schedule at my whim seemingly effortlessly. In fact I've learned to be very careful about certain things because they will cheerfully accomodate some meaningless request that just drifted through my mind by putting off something else that is truly important and finishing it later, often at a time when they would normally be sleeping. And often I won't even realize they changed their plans until days and days later. I often wonder how many things they do I just never know about at all. Now I'm former military, but I don't have anything like that kind of grace under pressure. Give me a mission and I'll get it done no matter what happens going around, over, or as a last resort through any obstacle I come up against, but I don't smile sweetly while I do it. If I get too far away from my expected plan it pisses me off even if I'm eventually successful.

My Ladies just roll with things. I don't mean just that they don't complain, but that they don't even mention it, even much later when it would be irrelevant anyway. And it's not just with me, it's with their family, with their careers. It's like they don't mind sudden and unexpected departures from the plan. That's the part I couldn't do. I mind.

I mind last minute changes. I mind busting my ass for days only to be told what I have now accomplished is irrelevant because there's been a change in plans by upper management. I REALLY minded it when one came home early and said she needed to go out of state on business for three days, and she needed permission to leave in 45 minutes and a ride to the airport unless I wanted my car to sit out there. Understand she had let them know I might refuse which would mean her answer was "No, I'm not going", but also understand my point that she just went with it. Cheerfully. I'd have gone, but I'd have been pissed.

I asked how this person had come to that conclusion and it seems the Ladies were discussing our everyday life, and it came to light that I went to work first, I came home last, I did the cooking (Which is true, but I don't do it every night. I cook mass amounts and we heat-n-eat all week) I pay the bills, I handle the home maintenance, and I custom built a lot of the features in their respective rooms. They park in a garage where the lights come on automatically whenever they enter through any door. They walk from there to the house through a garden complete with multiple fountains, statuary, gargoyles and landscaped paths which is completely enclosed by an eight foot flowering hedge. When they leave in the morning their meds and coffee are on the table waiting so they don't forget them. Things like that. Apparently all this created the impression that I was the servant. And I got to thinking, maybe I am from a certain point of view. Aren't all caretakers?

I've pointed out that I don't really identify as "dom" any longer. If someone calls me that I don't object or get offended, but I like lables and clear definitions and I can't get one for dom. And based on what I've seen as examples, I'm not sure I'd care to claim I am such. I am however, head of the family. Large and in charge. Taking excellent care of the Ladies is, in my opinion, just payin' the cost to be the boss. I understand very clearly I am fortunate enough, graced enough, blessed by God enough to have two of the most amazing women I've ever known living with me in a committed relationship we all hope and work to make last a lifetime. If they appear a little spoiled, good. But maybe that's part of my issue with identifying (or not) as D/s. In a lot of ways I do put them above me. I bust my ass on their behalf, and I like to do it. And yet, I'm very set in my ways and fairly uncompromising. I do things based on my personal principles and code of conduct, and I don't waiver. So isn't that more dominant? Is it possible that in order to be a good dominant, you have to not only understand submissiveness, but be submissive in certain ways, to feel it? Does the pleasure I find in making their life paths as easy as possible qualify me as submissive? Like the blog title says, What the............???????????

Uhm, Hello..........

I've never had a blog before, and I will be making this up as I go along. What I hope to accomplish here is a deeper understanding of the D/s lifestyle. I have....I don't know...Something. I thought it was D/s many years ago, but there seems to be no clear definition of what D/s is, versus what other things are. I find it difficult to find people of like mind when definitions and labels aren't allowed. Some of you were invited, some of you might have stumbled upon this by accident. Either way, the point is for me to pick your brains. The way I expect this to work is that I'll see something I have an opinion on, blog on it, and then the group can bat it around a while. However, I'm certain this blog will evolve over time.

I think I'll leave it there for now. I imagine as time goes by my attitudes and opinions will quickly become apparent. So, thanks for reading my first-ever-anywhere blogpost!