So something a bit jolting happened to me a while back. I was mistaken for submissive. Please don't misunderstand me, I wasn't offended, but I was shocked. In fact I was a bit flattered in a way, because I've always said I don't think I have what it takes to be submissive. Submissives, at least good ones, are fluid in a way that just flabbergasts me. It just amazes me how quickly and how smoothly my Ladies can altar their entire days schedule at my whim seemingly effortlessly. In fact I've learned to be very careful about certain things because they will cheerfully accomodate some meaningless request that just drifted through my mind by putting off something else that is truly important and finishing it later, often at a time when they would normally be sleeping. And often I won't even realize they changed their plans until days and days later. I often wonder how many things they do I just never know about at all. Now I'm former military, but I don't have anything like that kind of grace under pressure. Give me a mission and I'll get it done no matter what happens going around, over, or as a last resort through any obstacle I come up against, but I don't smile sweetly while I do it. If I get too far away from my expected plan it pisses me off even if I'm eventually successful.
My Ladies just roll with things. I don't mean just that they don't complain, but that they don't even mention it, even much later when it would be irrelevant anyway. And it's not just with me, it's with their family, with their careers. It's like they don't mind sudden and unexpected departures from the plan. That's the part I couldn't do. I mind.
I mind last minute changes. I mind busting my ass for days only to be told what I have now accomplished is irrelevant because there's been a change in plans by upper management. I REALLY minded it when one came home early and said she needed to go out of state on business for three days, and she needed permission to leave in 45 minutes and a ride to the airport unless I wanted my car to sit out there. Understand she had let them know I might refuse which would mean her answer was "No, I'm not going", but also understand my point that she just went with it. Cheerfully. I'd have gone, but I'd have been pissed.
I asked how this person had come to that conclusion and it seems the Ladies were discussing our everyday life, and it came to light that I went to work first, I came home last, I did the cooking (Which is true, but I don't do it every night. I cook mass amounts and we heat-n-eat all week) I pay the bills, I handle the home maintenance, and I custom built a lot of the features in their respective rooms. They park in a garage where the lights come on automatically whenever they enter through any door. They walk from there to the house through a garden complete with multiple fountains, statuary, gargoyles and landscaped paths which is completely enclosed by an eight foot flowering hedge. When they leave in the morning their meds and coffee are on the table waiting so they don't forget them. Things like that. Apparently all this created the impression that I was the servant. And I got to thinking, maybe I am from a certain point of view. Aren't all caretakers?
I've pointed out that I don't really identify as "dom" any longer. If someone calls me that I don't object or get offended, but I like lables and clear definitions and I can't get one for dom. And based on what I've seen as examples, I'm not sure I'd care to claim I am such. I am however, head of the family. Large and in charge. Taking excellent care of the Ladies is, in my opinion, just payin' the cost to be the boss. I understand very clearly I am fortunate enough, graced enough, blessed by God enough to have two of the most amazing women I've ever known living with me in a committed relationship we all hope and work to make last a lifetime. If they appear a little spoiled, good. But maybe that's part of my issue with identifying (or not) as D/s. In a lot of ways I do put them above me. I bust my ass on their behalf, and I like to do it. And yet, I'm very set in my ways and fairly uncompromising. I do things based on my personal principles and code of conduct, and I don't waiver. So isn't that more dominant? Is it possible that in order to be a good dominant, you have to not only understand submissiveness, but be submissive in certain ways, to feel it? Does the pleasure I find in making their life paths as easy as possible qualify me as submissive? Like the blog title says, What the............???????????
8 comments:
your home sounds beautiful! Your thoughts give something to ponder...
Labels arent really important, at least i dont think they are. Its about what makes you happy and what works for you and your ladies.
Sounds like things work just fine ;)
You brought up a very interesting point when you wrote about how your Ladies will put off something important to do something more or less trivial for you (if you are not careful). I must say that is one thing I often forget about. Yesterday I surprised mouse with a rather large task, nothing dangerous but what viewed as tedious. She did this task without any complaint, even though it meant for her putting off tasks of greater import.
Until I read what you wrote I had not given it another thought. I must try to be more careful when assigning a duty such as that in the future.
We all have titles, but the ones that are given without question to us, without question are the only ones that really matter.
Kitty, thank you for the compliment about the house, but having reread the post let me clarify that it is actually a teeny tiny ranch house with a massive lot. It's nicely polished, but it certainly isn't the Kennedy compound, darn the luck. The garden is pretty impressive though, if I do say so myself. The place is for sale if you're interested.
Omega, That's exactly what I mean when I say I could never be submissive in my opinion. Some tedious task requiring a significant amount of time gets dropped on them unexpectedly, and they just smile and carry on. I actually wish I could manage to be more like that.
As far as the opinions about lables, I don't know, they are important to me. I like things defined. Clearly described so they can be understood. All this nebulous the-definition-is-just-about-what-works-for-you just plain doesn't work for me (No pun intended). Yes, the relationship is and usually has been great, but somehow I've always felt it's coincidence and luck. I mean I want a partner (Or partners I guess in this case) that mesh with me without effort, but no relationship is seamless. I feel like if I could understand myself better I could lessen the chance of one of those seems splitting and starting things unraveling.
Apparently the settings on my blog prevent some mac users from being able ot post comments. I was asked to post this on behalf of the author.
I had to smile at your opening. I've been mistaken for a dominant myself. Like you, I don't find this offensive but it sure makes me scratch my head. Granted, I would make a wretched slave but a domme? That's the thing about labels, tho'.
I find labels pretty irritating. They create expectation of a pre-packaged set of attributes. My attributes, not to put to fine a point on it, are all over the place!
Interesting point about caretakers being servants. Hadn't really thought of it that way, since the approach is so very different. But there's definitely something to it...
Welcome to the blogosphere!
Jz
oooo, and you fixed it!
You rock.
I am soooo not able to go with the flow in the way you describe. Of course - it could very reasonably be argued that I have a lot to learn yet.
As far as labels - I am just starting to investigate all of this, and I guess I would say - taking the opposite approach - trying to decide what I want the thing to be, to look like, how I want it to work (actually, we), and if a label fits that - ok, and if not, I guess we'll go without (the label that is).
I am curious though, if it's not too out of line, if you don't identify yourself as a dom any longer, do your women identify as subs, or in some other way, or in many ways?
I do understand what you mean, and agree fully. I often struggle with the same thoughts. Different versions and definitions of what one should be or not. I find it all so annoying, and often find myself wistfully recalling the day when the roles were defined.
It has become much like cafeteria Catholicism, "I'll take two of those, none of that, and just a tiny portion of that."
greengirl,
Right now if someone asks they point at me and say "I'm his". Past that I don't think they've thought much about it other than to not particularly want to be any part of the so called "Scene" any longer. To be honest I expect that in their own ways they are where I am. What they heard defined as sub described their feelings, but what they've seen in actuality is nothing like what they are, want to be, believe, or feel. That being the case, they don't know what they are, but based on what they've seen they can't be submissive and specifically don't want to be.
Omega,
For a guy that doesn't care for lables, you certainly have some excellent ones. "Cafeteria Catholicism" How can you NOT understand what that means?! Especially if you know more than three Catholics. The definition you followed with is exactly the mental image the two-word lable evokes. THAT'S the proper use of lables, clear communication. It's always irritated me that a culture-philosophy-group-whatever like D/s that preaches that communication is first, last, and all important to any relationship should immediately rule out the very idea of clear, concise lables as a tool to achieve that communication.
Post a Comment