The railroad engineer woke up groggy, looked at the clock and sat bolt upright wide awake. He was 20 minutes late! He shot from the bed to the bathroom where he showered and then nicked himself badly shaving. He grabbed coffee as he headed out the door, only to spill it in his lap on the way to work. Getting out of the car quickly he started to run, only to hear a loud RIIIIP as he tore the coat tail that was caught in the door of the car. The sudden stop jolted his cap from his hand, and it landed squarely in a mud puddle. Freeing himself from the car he grabbed up his cap and made it to the train he was to drive. He fired it up, hooked to the passenger cars and pulled out of the station. He worked diligently to shave seconds here and a minute there, and a little more than an hour later was nearly back on schedule. Running at his top allowed speed he rounded a sweeping curve only to see another train on the same track barreling straight toward him. Calmly he turned to the fireman and said
"You ever have one of those days when just nothing goes right?"
Well I just did. It occurs to me I've had one of those days most days for nearly two years, and I'm pretty worn down. I'm starting to wonder why I try, and possibly worse, sometimes I decide not to try. I've been told I'm wound too tight. Things bother me when they shouldn't. I've been told I don't charge enough for my labor, I shouldn't worry if I don't meet every expectation of a client, I am obsessively honest, I shouldn't be such a perfectionist, I should occasionally put myself first before even the Ladies.
I always try to consider the other person, and help if I possibly can even if it means some sacrifice on my part. I'm the kind of guy that comes to a red light first in line and pulls into the left lane in case the guy behind me wants to make a right. I'm the sucker that tosses the bum a buck.
And all I get is screwed.
I have stood for what is right and decent my whole life, and lately I can not remember why. And I don't know what to do about it. I seem to be losing all motivation to be the person I am, or at least was, mostly because there always seems to be a pretty high cost and there never seems to be a reward. I have this little voice in my head that just says "Fuck it", and I find myself agreeing. And the sorriest part is, it's working. I'm putting in less effort but still getting "Atta-boys" at work. I've got more free time, and actually, I spend less money. I hope soon to finally climb out of this pile of shit my life has become, and I actually hope I can keep this attitude. I want to focus 100% on my Ladies and not get involved with the rest of the world, which apparently only resents my efforts anyway. And if I can just not get involved for long enough, hopefully I will no longer be the one people call when they need their car fixed and they're broke. When they need the snow cleared from their drive for free. When their violent husband (Who I told them not to get involved with in the first place) is beating them to death and they need some help. When they need a ride to the hospital and then a place to stay.
Because I don't want to be that guy any more. It hurts me and it hurts my Ladies. So fuck it.
8 comments:
Well, much tho' I might want to, I can't yell at you for your cynicism because I've been there. It's hard not to get bitter when being nice has gotten you nothing but grief.
Just try not to change so much that you turn into one of those people you would have despised, OK? (Altho' I suspect your Ladies will help keep you on track, I still had to say it.) There's a lot of good in being the way you've been, too.
A point of balance exists somewhere between the two extremes. Good luck in finding it sooner rather than later. I, for one, hate seeing you like this.
It's hard when the rose-colored glasses start to crack, or just flat out shatter. I could go on and on about how I'm sure everyone appreciates your efforts. blah blah blah...
The truth is for the people that do care, we always get shit on. But not asking us to care is like asking us not to breathe. You have a great deal of integrity, a rare thing nowadays, and I think it's just sad when the universe kicks your ass so hard that integrity feels like a flaw.
So, hugs to you!
mouse
Mouse,
The fact is, no one appreciates my efforts. I know this because the more effort I've put into someone the larger the knife they are sticking in me and the deeper they are trying to drive it. My Ladies of course have behaved perfectly and with utter loyalty, but I am forced to acknowledge that many of my current troubles stem from helping people they did not approve of my helping. They never complained or questioned me, but I knew they were not whole heartedly in agreement with me. Had I focused on them at the time instead of those non family members that were in trouble, I would not now be facing such potential catastrophe for us all and we would all be better off. Having stepped back and looked at the big picture, I believe you are right that those who try to help get nothing but shit on, and the harder they try the deeper the shit gets. I don't know how I missed it up until now, or why I would keep acting as I did in the past.
JZ
The problem stems more I think from the fact that I am starting to think those people I despised for refusing to help were correct in their thinking and based on the results I've gotten I was the fool all along. What exactly is the good of being as I was? I can't seem to remember. I have to somehow adjust my thinking. I never believed in that point of balance you see. A point of balance infers that it is possible to be TOO ethical. TOO principled. TOO commited to the idea of a code of honor. To me these were absolutes. But I can no longer argue that theory. Apparently, I went to far in this regard. If I manage to survive this crisis, I will not approach the edge again.
MC-
I see your point about the absolutes of ethics. I think what I meant is perhaps more that there's a range in our expectation of return, and that's where you need to look for the balance. If that makes sense. Most people like to think that behaving ethically will gain them returns. (Kohlberg's "conventional" stage of moral development, if you have the patience to check it out.)
But really, it's not reward-based. True ethical behavior occurs because it is the correct thing to do, rewards be damned. The only real return is being able to look at yourself in the mirror each morning.
Which doesn't mean I don't understand your frustration. I've spent time as the bug on the sole of life's shoe myself. I just hate to see you surrender when you could retreat and regroup, instead. That's hard when you're exhausted, though, I know.
[I'd send you a hug but I'm from New England and we don't do that... ;-) ]
JZ,
I see what you are saying, and I agree. I don't expect reward. What I do insist upon is that I not be punished, and that my ladies not suffer as a consequence of my so called "Ethical" behaviour. That has not been the case for a long time. What would be the point of regrouping?
Let me put it another way. Let's say you saw someone drop a wallet on the ground with $1000 in it, and you returned it to the owner who promptly had you arrested and prosecuted for theft. Next time you saw a wallet, would you pick it up? See, you don't have to steal it, you could just "Fail to notice" it. Is that really lack of integrity? To me it is, or was. Now it just seems like the prudent thing to do. In fact, without trying very hard I can justify it as the responsible thing to do to protect my family. That seems to be the sad reality of the current world we live in.
One of the things I've learned in life is that there always has to be some kind of exchange... if you do something for someone, you have to get something in return... whether money, a returned favor, a nice meal... doesn't really matter what it is, but it has to be there. Otherwise the person doing the giving is depleted and has nothing left to give.
I don't think you are wrong at all to turn away from people who don't appreciate your efforts or are willing to give back in return. You are not on this earth for them... you're here for you!
And the person who told you that you need to put you first before everyone else, including the ladies, was very right. If you take care of yourself first, you'll have more to give to them. Just a thought.
*hugs*
spirited
Thank you all for commenting. It's nice to know you care. :)
I do hope things are better now for you. Sometimes we all have to say "fuck it". I've learned that trying to please everyone never works. All that really matters is those who are most important to me and myself are happy. As long as this is true, than that is all that matters.
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