I've seen a couple of things lately that, to be honest, seem silly to me. These deal with the ideas that a dom should never prevent a sub from seeing friends or family, and another is that a sub should never tell someone she isn't allowed to do something because her dom forbids it. The theory behind this is that the vanilla folk involved have rights too and we need not to step on their toes or make them uncomfortable with our lifestyle. I disagree.
Sometimes the submissive's nature is recognized(If not understood) and she is being taken advantage of because she is submissive. Sometimes the cure for that is for the partner in charge (Whatever the title) to simply have the submissive tell the user that she isn't available because the boss said so. My Ladies get vacation time from their employers. When first we met, one had never used all her allotted time even though she'd been with the company for several years. What that means is she effectively worked several days a year for free. To this day she has a rule (My rule) that insists she take all her time. I don't think the situation was intentional, but she has a submissive nature and a desire to please. She works in a busy department for a large multinational corporation and it is a burden to her colleagues if she takes time off. It increases their workload. This made her feel somewhat guilty, so she didn't take time off unless she had to. Sick time, family emergencies yes, but never simple vacations for pleasure. Now she has no issue with it, and understands she not only deserves it, but that as a component of her "Compensation package" she actually earns the time, it is not gift. Back then she began taking her vacations somewhat reluctantly only because I insisted on it.
Further, I place the order in restaraunts and the Ladies have both indicated that this is an aspect of our relationship that they each enjoy. They don't even look at the menu. This tends to throw the server and often gets looks from other patrons. Occasionally it is apparent that we are the source of conversations. If these people are uncomfortable, to be honest I plain don't care. Generally these people have obnoxious children or get into arguments with their spouses all with absolutely no regard for our right to enjoy our evening.
As far as friends and family go, I'm fortunate that I've not faced that dilemma. Lady 1 has a loving family that has accepted our situation and hosts ALL of us warmly for family holidays and so on. Lady 2 has parents that are truly vile people, and the conflict between she and I for a time was that she has simply totally shut them out of her life as far as possible. No calls, no gifts, most of the time they may as well not exist. At first I felt she should try to reconcile with them, but on the occasions they force themselves into our lives they conduct themselves with such a vicious demeanor that I've come to completely agree it would be best if they were to suddenly vanish. They bring my Lady nothing but pain and sorrow, and worse they both go out of their way to do so and obviously relish doing it. It's clear in retrospect, but it hadn't occurred to me at first that a father that sexually and physically abused his daughter as a child and a mother who knew and both allowed and covered it up would not become decent human beings just because their daughter grew up. If Lady 2's attitude were not what it is, I'm afraid I might have to limit contact for both her health and her safety.
In a way, this comes back to my previous post concerning labels and defined limits. Plain obligations would also be involved. No matter what term you use, if the partner with authority both understood and accepted that he was literally responsible for the life of the other in all ways, and if as a community all those involved applied peer pressure to maintain a standard, then there would be very few problems and there would be a support network for those few that fell victim despite all efforts.
In that vein and in my opinion, at least in regard to my Ladies, I as team leader have an absolute obligation and duty to at times restrict who my Ladies associate with even to include family. I also positively must, at times, insist that they refuse a request that they would otherwise grant. Of course I would also be obligated to both allow and encourage healthy relationships and life-expanding opportunities. In fact that would be my duty and my obligation.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
As a distraction....the abuse issue still makes me angry
I'm in a venting mood so I'll vent on this. Basically just wanting to blog because it bothers me I haven't been, but I have nothing relevant to say, so I picked this topic.
I so resent both that what is called the BDSM lifestyle is used to justify abuse, and even more that those involved allow it to be used in such a fashion. I have had people in the past ask about my feelings about abuse. They want to know how I see a line being crossed for someone that has agreed to or even asked to be “hurt”. It’s pretty simple really, anything that is damaging to the submissive is abusive no matter how it is justified. Notice I did not say injurious, because I understand there are those out there that play a whole lot rougher than I ever have had the desire to do, and sometimes some pretty weird stuff (By my standards) seems to have a positive effect on the people involved. Note too I don't limit hurt to the physical.
When asked how a person can tell where the line that shouldn’t be crossed is in regards to “punishing” a submissive, I often use an analogy referencing owning a classic car. The point being, if your classic car doesn’t start one morning the way to address the problem is not to get out, kick the shit out of the fenders, and expect that now it will run fine. If you do that you will now have a slightly to severely damaged classic car (Depending entirely on how hard and how much YOU the owner kicked it) that still doesn’t start. Now you have the original problem and some new ones to overcome. Instead I suggest remaining calm in the face of your frustration and conducting a logical investigation into what is causing the no-start problem. Once you find the problem, it’s likely to be an easy fix, and it will be the only problem that needs to be resolved. Finding the problem might take a while, and it may not be anything obvious. It’s likely to take a little patience to get to the cause, but then if owning rare and beautiful things was easy everyone would have three, wouldn’t they? I think just about anyone should see the truth in that analogy, but somehow an awful lot of people claim they don’t see the correlation. They claim women aren’t machines; they are more like “Pets”. O.K. Let’s follow that concept out. So instead of a Mustang or Camaro, you are kicking a misbehaving dog. Let’s say a Chihuahua (Sorry ladies, but it needed to be something that seems at first glance to be non-threatening). Not a dog with a reputation for aggressiveness. Not one usually seen as a pit-fighter. But let’s say you kick that dog a few times. What do you suppose that dog is going to do?
Uh huh, she’s going to bite you. See, living creatures have an ability inanimate machines don’t. They can strike back. So to those that disagree with me on this, just remember fellas if you ever wake up one morning with your hands tied to the bed above your head and your amputated dick stuffed in your mouth as a gag, it could get worse. I could find out, and I’ll say I told you so while I laugh. After all, I’m the guy that said there IS a right way, and yours isn’t it.
But here's the thing that irritates me to a much larger degree. The "Community" that refuses to take a stand against abuse and irresponsible activities because they don't want to risk being accused of claiming "My kink is O.K. but yours isn't." I've got news for you. If your kink has the effect of destroying a submissives self esteem and self confidence, of removing from her the ability to function independently and making her physically dependent as a method of controlling her, then your kink is not O.K. under any circumstances and yes that means even if she asked. And if in your opinion that makes me an intolerant bigot that's trying to label you, I'm fine with that. It's just a simple fact that if any level of power exchange relationship is ever going to be acceptable in general society then we who practice it are going to have to police ourselves. That means we have to create labels that we can use to define ourselves both to the outsiders and to ourselves, and then we have to enforce those limits.
I so resent both that what is called the BDSM lifestyle is used to justify abuse, and even more that those involved allow it to be used in such a fashion. I have had people in the past ask about my feelings about abuse. They want to know how I see a line being crossed for someone that has agreed to or even asked to be “hurt”. It’s pretty simple really, anything that is damaging to the submissive is abusive no matter how it is justified. Notice I did not say injurious, because I understand there are those out there that play a whole lot rougher than I ever have had the desire to do, and sometimes some pretty weird stuff (By my standards) seems to have a positive effect on the people involved. Note too I don't limit hurt to the physical.
When asked how a person can tell where the line that shouldn’t be crossed is in regards to “punishing” a submissive, I often use an analogy referencing owning a classic car. The point being, if your classic car doesn’t start one morning the way to address the problem is not to get out, kick the shit out of the fenders, and expect that now it will run fine. If you do that you will now have a slightly to severely damaged classic car (Depending entirely on how hard and how much YOU the owner kicked it) that still doesn’t start. Now you have the original problem and some new ones to overcome. Instead I suggest remaining calm in the face of your frustration and conducting a logical investigation into what is causing the no-start problem. Once you find the problem, it’s likely to be an easy fix, and it will be the only problem that needs to be resolved. Finding the problem might take a while, and it may not be anything obvious. It’s likely to take a little patience to get to the cause, but then if owning rare and beautiful things was easy everyone would have three, wouldn’t they? I think just about anyone should see the truth in that analogy, but somehow an awful lot of people claim they don’t see the correlation. They claim women aren’t machines; they are more like “Pets”. O.K. Let’s follow that concept out. So instead of a Mustang or Camaro, you are kicking a misbehaving dog. Let’s say a Chihuahua (Sorry ladies, but it needed to be something that seems at first glance to be non-threatening). Not a dog with a reputation for aggressiveness. Not one usually seen as a pit-fighter. But let’s say you kick that dog a few times. What do you suppose that dog is going to do?
Uh huh, she’s going to bite you. See, living creatures have an ability inanimate machines don’t. They can strike back. So to those that disagree with me on this, just remember fellas if you ever wake up one morning with your hands tied to the bed above your head and your amputated dick stuffed in your mouth as a gag, it could get worse. I could find out, and I’ll say I told you so while I laugh. After all, I’m the guy that said there IS a right way, and yours isn’t it.
But here's the thing that irritates me to a much larger degree. The "Community" that refuses to take a stand against abuse and irresponsible activities because they don't want to risk being accused of claiming "My kink is O.K. but yours isn't." I've got news for you. If your kink has the effect of destroying a submissives self esteem and self confidence, of removing from her the ability to function independently and making her physically dependent as a method of controlling her, then your kink is not O.K. under any circumstances and yes that means even if she asked. And if in your opinion that makes me an intolerant bigot that's trying to label you, I'm fine with that. It's just a simple fact that if any level of power exchange relationship is ever going to be acceptable in general society then we who practice it are going to have to police ourselves. That means we have to create labels that we can use to define ourselves both to the outsiders and to ourselves, and then we have to enforce those limits.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
The railroad engineer woke up groggy, looked at the clock and sat bolt upright wide awake. He was 20 minutes late! He shot from the bed to the bathroom where he showered and then nicked himself badly shaving. He grabbed coffee as he headed out the door, only to spill it in his lap on the way to work. Getting out of the car quickly he started to run, only to hear a loud RIIIIP as he tore the coat tail that was caught in the door of the car. The sudden stop jolted his cap from his hand, and it landed squarely in a mud puddle. Freeing himself from the car he grabbed up his cap and made it to the train he was to drive. He fired it up, hooked to the passenger cars and pulled out of the station. He worked diligently to shave seconds here and a minute there, and a little more than an hour later was nearly back on schedule. Running at his top allowed speed he rounded a sweeping curve only to see another train on the same track barreling straight toward him. Calmly he turned to the fireman and said
"You ever have one of those days when just nothing goes right?"
Well I just did. It occurs to me I've had one of those days most days for nearly two years, and I'm pretty worn down. I'm starting to wonder why I try, and possibly worse, sometimes I decide not to try. I've been told I'm wound too tight. Things bother me when they shouldn't. I've been told I don't charge enough for my labor, I shouldn't worry if I don't meet every expectation of a client, I am obsessively honest, I shouldn't be such a perfectionist, I should occasionally put myself first before even the Ladies.
I always try to consider the other person, and help if I possibly can even if it means some sacrifice on my part. I'm the kind of guy that comes to a red light first in line and pulls into the left lane in case the guy behind me wants to make a right. I'm the sucker that tosses the bum a buck.
And all I get is screwed.
I have stood for what is right and decent my whole life, and lately I can not remember why. And I don't know what to do about it. I seem to be losing all motivation to be the person I am, or at least was, mostly because there always seems to be a pretty high cost and there never seems to be a reward. I have this little voice in my head that just says "Fuck it", and I find myself agreeing. And the sorriest part is, it's working. I'm putting in less effort but still getting "Atta-boys" at work. I've got more free time, and actually, I spend less money. I hope soon to finally climb out of this pile of shit my life has become, and I actually hope I can keep this attitude. I want to focus 100% on my Ladies and not get involved with the rest of the world, which apparently only resents my efforts anyway. And if I can just not get involved for long enough, hopefully I will no longer be the one people call when they need their car fixed and they're broke. When they need the snow cleared from their drive for free. When their violent husband (Who I told them not to get involved with in the first place) is beating them to death and they need some help. When they need a ride to the hospital and then a place to stay.
Because I don't want to be that guy any more. It hurts me and it hurts my Ladies. So fuck it.
"You ever have one of those days when just nothing goes right?"
Well I just did. It occurs to me I've had one of those days most days for nearly two years, and I'm pretty worn down. I'm starting to wonder why I try, and possibly worse, sometimes I decide not to try. I've been told I'm wound too tight. Things bother me when they shouldn't. I've been told I don't charge enough for my labor, I shouldn't worry if I don't meet every expectation of a client, I am obsessively honest, I shouldn't be such a perfectionist, I should occasionally put myself first before even the Ladies.
I always try to consider the other person, and help if I possibly can even if it means some sacrifice on my part. I'm the kind of guy that comes to a red light first in line and pulls into the left lane in case the guy behind me wants to make a right. I'm the sucker that tosses the bum a buck.
And all I get is screwed.
I have stood for what is right and decent my whole life, and lately I can not remember why. And I don't know what to do about it. I seem to be losing all motivation to be the person I am, or at least was, mostly because there always seems to be a pretty high cost and there never seems to be a reward. I have this little voice in my head that just says "Fuck it", and I find myself agreeing. And the sorriest part is, it's working. I'm putting in less effort but still getting "Atta-boys" at work. I've got more free time, and actually, I spend less money. I hope soon to finally climb out of this pile of shit my life has become, and I actually hope I can keep this attitude. I want to focus 100% on my Ladies and not get involved with the rest of the world, which apparently only resents my efforts anyway. And if I can just not get involved for long enough, hopefully I will no longer be the one people call when they need their car fixed and they're broke. When they need the snow cleared from their drive for free. When their violent husband (Who I told them not to get involved with in the first place) is beating them to death and they need some help. When they need a ride to the hospital and then a place to stay.
Because I don't want to be that guy any more. It hurts me and it hurts my Ladies. So fuck it.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Happy New Year, I guess
So, a new year. I have to admit I'm having a hard time seeing the point. I'm not going to cry a river, and for several reasons I'm not really allowed to discuss a lot of things. But I must admit, lately I have had a really hard time remaining positive and seeing the potential in this new year. I've reached a point where I don't even see the point assuming I am successful with the things I want to do. It's after Christmas, the first of the year, fresh start and all that,and supposedly a joyful, hopeful time but I'm not feeling it. I'm realistic enough to understand I couldn't do it alone anyway, but I've come to the conclusion that if somehow I could actually grasp the world by it's shoulders and pull it's collective head from it's ass, the world would simply yelp in fear and shove it's head right back in. Everytime I overcome an obstacle it seems a bigger one is thrust before me. No good deed seems to go un-punished. I catch myself wondering why I bother.
My amazement, respect, and awe of my ladies has grown larger than ever. For nearly two years I have been in a virtual whirlwind of shit and razorblades, and the Ladies have stood resolutely by my side despite each paying a tremendous personal cost. Their loyalty, strength of character, and dedication can simply never be questioned by anyone. I will always be grateful for, and thankful to, each of them. Thank you, and thank God for you, my Ladies.
My amazement, respect, and awe of my ladies has grown larger than ever. For nearly two years I have been in a virtual whirlwind of shit and razorblades, and the Ladies have stood resolutely by my side despite each paying a tremendous personal cost. Their loyalty, strength of character, and dedication can simply never be questioned by anyone. I will always be grateful for, and thankful to, each of them. Thank you, and thank God for you, my Ladies.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Uh Oh, Politics...
This post will reveal to an extent my political bent, or at least many of you will likely think it does. So you've been warned, if you aren't willing to go there, don't. Leave now while you can still think well of me, lol.
First I suppose you should know this is pretty much the most public electronic contact I have with the outside world. I don't Tweet, I don't have a Facebook page, or any of that stuff. My Ladies do, and more power to them, I just don't see the need. One thing this avoids in my experience is the online backhanded comment. That's where someone tries to slide in an insulting shot by virtue of an ostensibly innocent social network site comment knowing you'll see it if they do. Most people let those things slide. Most people.
So the other day one of my Ladies is reading her friend's facebook comments, and this friend made a comment I'm sure we've all heard before to the effect of "I can't understand how so many people can claim to be kinky AND conservative at the same time". My Lady saw this, apparently felt it was pointed at her (I can tell you I don't know it was, but it's easily possible it was exactly that) and shot back "And I can't understand how so many people can claim to be liberal and conscious at the same time". I laughed so hard my eyes were tearing up. She doesn't let anyone push her around, that one, I can promise you. The irony of it all is that, of the two, she's not the tough one.
No long post here, I just wanted to share. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Hanukkah, and Merry Kwanzaa. And if I still missed you, I hope you're happy too, with a very few exceptions. That's it for tonight.
First I suppose you should know this is pretty much the most public electronic contact I have with the outside world. I don't Tweet, I don't have a Facebook page, or any of that stuff. My Ladies do, and more power to them, I just don't see the need. One thing this avoids in my experience is the online backhanded comment. That's where someone tries to slide in an insulting shot by virtue of an ostensibly innocent social network site comment knowing you'll see it if they do. Most people let those things slide. Most people.
So the other day one of my Ladies is reading her friend's facebook comments, and this friend made a comment I'm sure we've all heard before to the effect of "I can't understand how so many people can claim to be kinky AND conservative at the same time". My Lady saw this, apparently felt it was pointed at her (I can tell you I don't know it was, but it's easily possible it was exactly that) and shot back "And I can't understand how so many people can claim to be liberal and conscious at the same time". I laughed so hard my eyes were tearing up. She doesn't let anyone push her around, that one, I can promise you. The irony of it all is that, of the two, she's not the tough one.
No long post here, I just wanted to share. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Hanukkah, and Merry Kwanzaa. And if I still missed you, I hope you're happy too, with a very few exceptions. That's it for tonight.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Hello again
Just to let my followers know, my computer crashed and my life situation was extremely demanding to begin with. I have aquired a used computer that is plainly cranky. The Ladies are a bit high maintenance lately, but it's justified and deserved. That's where I've been and am at. I'll be back to the blog shortly, assuming no new disasters befall us that I have to react to. I hope all had a nice Halloween and Thanksgiving.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Is this what they mean by "Bitch slap"?
So, have you seen the Dove Soap commercial about how the model get’s on the billboard? I think it’s called the evolution of beauty. You can see it here…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2gD80jv5ZQ
I stumbled acrossed this and a few others. WOW! That’s all I can say. No wonder we have such issues in women’s health. I’ve been thinking about how the “Vanilla” world treats women. Not just D/s women, but all of them. Ever think about the subtle messages that society sends? Based on paying attention to the commercials, products offered, and news stories I’ve seen in the last couple of weeks, here is what I now know about the female ideal.
If in front view your stomach is smooth and flat but does not display a six-pack, you are overweight.
If in side view your hip bones are not the forward-most part of your body you are overweight.
If in side view your hip bones are the forward-most part of your body you are anorexic.
Stretch marks must never be seen.
You have failed in life if you do not have children.
Your bust line should not be smaller than a 36d, but not larger than a 38dd.
You should have hips no wider than 36 inches, but somehow an ass no wider than 30 inches.
Your skin can not have a wrinkle, scar, sun spot, or freckle.
(A whole array of signs and signals is covered by this one) Your hair must look and feel entirely natural, but can not under any circumstances behave naturally.
(This one too) You smell. Bad. Fortunately there is an arsenal of products to overcome this.
If you do not enjoy casual sex you are a prude.
If you do enjoy casual sex you are a slut.
Your nude body, pictures of your nude body, and descriptions in literature of your body are all obscene. These are rightfully banned as sinful and harmful to society. The fact that you’ve somehow met every one of the above impossible goals notwithstanding.
I think I’ll go tell the Ladies they’re strikingly gorgeous and give them each a hug.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2gD80jv5ZQ
I stumbled acrossed this and a few others. WOW! That’s all I can say. No wonder we have such issues in women’s health. I’ve been thinking about how the “Vanilla” world treats women. Not just D/s women, but all of them. Ever think about the subtle messages that society sends? Based on paying attention to the commercials, products offered, and news stories I’ve seen in the last couple of weeks, here is what I now know about the female ideal.
If in front view your stomach is smooth and flat but does not display a six-pack, you are overweight.
If in side view your hip bones are not the forward-most part of your body you are overweight.
If in side view your hip bones are the forward-most part of your body you are anorexic.
Stretch marks must never be seen.
You have failed in life if you do not have children.
Your bust line should not be smaller than a 36d, but not larger than a 38dd.
You should have hips no wider than 36 inches, but somehow an ass no wider than 30 inches.
Your skin can not have a wrinkle, scar, sun spot, or freckle.
(A whole array of signs and signals is covered by this one) Your hair must look and feel entirely natural, but can not under any circumstances behave naturally.
(This one too) You smell. Bad. Fortunately there is an arsenal of products to overcome this.
If you do not enjoy casual sex you are a prude.
If you do enjoy casual sex you are a slut.
Your nude body, pictures of your nude body, and descriptions in literature of your body are all obscene. These are rightfully banned as sinful and harmful to society. The fact that you’ve somehow met every one of the above impossible goals notwithstanding.
I think I’ll go tell the Ladies they’re strikingly gorgeous and give them each a hug.
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