R E S P E C T. Find out what it means to me..... OR, A post motivated by Aretha

I've been thinking about the many times I've been approached by someone and told one or both of my Ladies have misbehaved in some fashion, or didn't behave as "Slaves" or "Submissives". The irony is I've also on a regular basis gotten comments on how perfectly they've behaved, and how submissive they are. I suppose it does seem an odd paradox at first, but the reality is actually very simple. They choose to obey. They are never forced to.

I've never really found a need for formal, intentional punishments. Successful relationships aren't based on punishment and reward, they are based on mutual respect and in adopting the role within the relationship you want to fulfill. That said, I've never pussy-footed around about whether I was satisfied with a specific behaviour or not. I can clearly remember having one of the Ladies approach me after the other had made a pretty glaring error and been told I wanted the task completely redone. I wasn't cruel, or rude, or even angry. This was an unusual situation, I didn't feel the failure was intentional, and I didn't assign any punishment other than doing the task correctly and never intended to. I also was not at all flexible. It wasn't good enough, it wasn't right, and it needed to be redone. This failure and my recognition of it left the Lady that had made the mistake a little depressed. Her sister seemed to think I should feel badly about that and cut her some slack. My response was "She let me down, she SHOULD be upset. If I'd let her down, I'D be upset. Isn't that how it's supposed to be?" I'm not certain she agreed, but no more was said.

Another time, the sister had not met the standard. This was pretty early in our relationship, and she basically said she felt it didn't matter how hard she tried, that nothing she did was ever good enough, so maybe she should just leave. My response was to point out to her that in our case "Good enough" had clearly been defined before she started. The standards had not wavered at all. They had not changed in any way. In this specific instance I had repeated what I expected to her three times. She had agreed to do it each time. She had not gotten it correctly done. I told her if she wanted to leave, that was certainly her prerogative, but I wasn't going to coddle her by pretending she had met the standard when she hadn't, and I wasn't lowering my standard. Obviously since we're still together she tried again, and this time succeeded. She's even come to me since and thanked me for being so hard on her in the beginning, because now she realizes she was capable of better, and just not willing to put in the effort until I insisted.

In fact they are each tough, brilliant, dedicated, loving, and loyal to the core. When I get a complaint about the behaviour of either of them, I usually listen. But the truth is it's usually a matter of some individual that doesn't even know us trying to apply his standards to the Ladies, and expecting I'll simply agree either as a courtesy or because it's some version of a standard within a style we don't adhere to (Think Gorean, for just one example).

The reality is that if the Ladies don't respect someone in fact, they aren't going to respect that person in action. And if that person thinks I will simply "Order" them to pretend to respect them, or to aquiesce to them out of respect for me, or some supposed D/s "Tradition", or some other silly, intangible, fantasy reason then they are in for a rude awakening. Further, trying to manipulate me into forcing the Ladies to do something just to prove I can is only going to result in me losing all respect for that person as well. Now the Ladies don't respect the complaining party, and I don't either.

In fact I'm quite certain the Ladies would do any number of degrading, debasing things, either sexual or not, to please me if I asked them to. But the thing is, I value and respect them far far far too much to play such a silly, moronic game. I simply get absolutely nothing out of that kind of activity in "Real life", and very little in "Scene play" situations. Now in play I can kind of understand it. I mean people like all kinds of different things. And if the a Lady likes a particular thing, I like to do that thing to some extent just because I like to see her slipping into her happy place from what I'm doing. But I've seen so-called "Dominants" require things just to prove their submissive would do it if ordered to. And I've seen the submissive do it, while giving off an aura of being totally horrified by the act. I can't fathom how that submissive has any respect for that dominant after the dominant has been so blatantly and easily manipulated into some action they otherwise wouldn't have taken, especially since the act basically gained neither party anything. I mean I just don't get that.

To my mind it comes down to respect. Yes, simple RESPECT for your submissive, or slave, or dirty little bitch, or whatever you call her in your personal dynamic. My dynamic happens to involve respect for my loving partners, but even if we are discussing one of those relationships where the submissive is nothing more than a thing to be used, the dominant partner should respect that. We should all respect even the THINGS in our lives, at least if we want them to be around for long. I don't care if it's your dog, your classic car, or your refrgerator, if you treat it with disdain, a lack of attention, and begin to take it for granted and offer it no maintenance then that thing will immediately start to deteriorate. It seems blatantly obvious to me that no matter what the dynamic of a relationship, mutual respect is critical to the continued success of the relationship. I would suggest that anyone that claims to be dominant but feels respecting their submissive somehow diminishes that dominance, isn't actually dominant at all.

Once again I ask, what the......?

Call me crazy, but I have to say I find it odd that the person that was chewing my ass recently for refusing to accept that crap about men not wanting women as anything but a fuck toy is now looking for advice on where to get Victoria's Secret style lingerie. I know, I'm not supposed to notice things like that if I want to fit into polite society, but things like this are exactly how I end up asking.....

What The Fuck?

Since it's been made clear that I am simply too dense to ever be made to understand, I've decided to simply try to be amused by the irony in these kinds of things.

Probably irrelevant, but I wanted to get it off my chest.

I wanted to clarify something about the controversial prior post entitled "A truly offensive post". It isn't that I wanted to defend (Or attack) total objectification. And it isn't that I think the public groping of unknown women should be allowed. And there's an easy line to see being crossed there, it's consent. What I objected to was the idea that enjoying a woman's charms purely on their feminine appeal was somehow patently satanically evil. That "Objectification" is simply wrong on an ethical level in any form, and that as a man if I see a woman and know nothing about her, somehow I'm some kind of low-life jerk because I think she has a nice body, and therefore I might want to meet her. Notice I haven't groped her, not even ogled her, but just thought "DAMN she's good looking, I wonder what she's like?". That simple thought process makes me some kind of monster according to the theories postulated in the original post that I was objecting to. .

Maybe I took it personally. Certainly I have done exactly what was described. In fact, the lady Samantha that I spoke of in an earlier post was exactly that. I saw her in a lifestyle club almost wearing a sexy leather something-made-of-straps-and-nothing-else, and I decided I was going to meet her. I talked with her for about 15 minutes that night and when I left I had decided I was going to do all I could to seduce her. That led to a years-long very affectionate relationship that ended on a friendly note once it had run its course. The relationship is related in more detail in that earlier post, so I don't see the need to detail it again here, but I certainly don't regret it, and I have never had any indication she does. I still hold great affection for her. While I haven't seen her in years, if she ever should show up on my doorstep needing help I would absolutely reach out to her not just as a fellow human being that needed help, but as a woman I still care very much for on an emotional level. And yet, I blatantly decided to meet her based solely on her looks. I simply don't accept the argument made that I did anything wrong there, and I don't see who was harmed or where the evil lies.

I also object for the hypocrisy. These comments came from people whom at other times have sung the praises of exactly and specifically objectification. So apparently that type of thinking is O.K. at least part of the time, but only if the woman wants to play just then. I don't abide anyone that changes the rules as they go.

The irony is, I don't do objectification. No human furniture, no puppy play, pony girls, mummified statues as decoration, nothing even remotely like objectification really interests me. In fact, as you might be able to tell by reading the list I just wrote, I'm not even terribly clear on what qualifies as objectification and what doesn't. Nothing I've ever explored has ever been called any method of objectification. What I do know is that I adore femininity, and I adore seeing a woman when she is wanton, or when she is floating in what is usually called subspace. I presume that by now if I had any interest in something that qualified, someone, somewhere would have pointed out that the activity was considered objectification. I do not understand things like objectification, tears in play, pony and puppy play, and a dozen other things I've seen being done which seem to me to reduce the submissive partner to at best a stupid beast and at worst a mindless thing. I do though, respect others right to play as they wish so long as there is informed consent, so when I see something I don't understand or even plain don't like being consentually engaged in, I don't scream "Monster!" and then make sweeping derogatory generalizations. I just go in the other room.

I must say that I find it just plain disgusting that after having made such sweeping derogatory generalizations, no support to the idea was even offered. You know, STAND for something! Even if it's something I don't agree with or approve of, if you make a reasoned case and show me how all the parts fit, at least I'll understand it. If I can understand it, I can probably at least respect it at some level. If you can't do that, then don't expect me to go along just to be non-confrontational and easy going. Somehow I am offensive when I demand to see the logic, but it is in no way supposed to offend me that I am not allowed to question overly broad generalizations or "Folk wisdom". I don't understand that attitude and I don't respect it. And yet when I challenge it, somehow I am the bad guy, and of course THAT can't be explained either, I am just supposed to accept that I am.

I'm afraid I don't, and won't.

I guess it's like that.

For those brave souls remaining, there will be a new style to the blog. It's been made clear that no amount of explaining or instruction will ever bring my thinking into line with the accepted norm. Therefore I no longer intend to exert any effort to understand it. For the time being I will offer this blog for those poor lost souls that do agree with me, in order to demonstrate that they are not entirely alone. For those of you that find this, I wish I could offer you cheerier news, but I'm afraid it's as bad as you fear. For the rest of you, well, I harbor no ill will to you, for whatever that's worth.

ROFLMAO

I notice I lost two followers today. Hmmm, just after the irate post. Hey, I told them not to read it. Pussies.

A truly offensive post, PLEASE do not read this.

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Rambling

So often I seem to see things opposite to the way the world seems to see them. Relationships are a good example. I've often heard of a relationship that went bad and it bothers the submissive that she wasn't enough for her partner. This is especially bothersome to submissives that seem to think they somehow “failed” to be the perfect “slave”, and there are so many doms that are eager to blame them. I have to say in most cases I think the sub is right, they weren’t the perfect slave, but I don’t see the failure part.

I’ve had relationships fail before. Some called D/s and some not. They failed because we weren’t compatible enough. And sometimes it was weird things that weren’t compatible. I had a partner I'll call Samantha in a previous relationship. At the time we identified as D/s, me the dom, she the sub. Samantha had almost all the qualities I look for in a woman. Intelligent, eager to please, bubbly and bright, self motivated, hard working, honest and I have to admit, the fact that she was a complete knock-out in the looks department was certainly a bonus. We were together for quite a while really. I think it was over two years. We ended for a lot of reasons. We lived in different cities. She was unemployed, getting by on modeling jobs she traveled around the state to do. My business was here in my town, and it seemed like a no brainer in my opinion that she would move to be with me, not the other way around. But she didn’t like it here. To slow a pace. I didn’t like her city either, to fast a pace. She felt we didn’t have enough sex (I know, hard to believe) but I was working 18 hour days getting my business up and running, and I thought once or twice a day when she was here was adequate. I thought she was at times incredibly naïve. People would use her and take advantage of her, hurt her and abandon her, and she would immediately forgive them and open herself to them again. I’m sure she thought I was at times a hard-hearted, insensitive prick who lacked understanding and compassion because with very few exceptions you only get the chance to screw me once. Eventually we parted amicably. I heard she married and was and is happy. I’m glad for her, she was a sweet woman and deserved happiness.

But she wasn’t perfect for me. If you look, I purposely put my perception of her point of view with mine in the paragraph above. You might notice I wasn’t perfect for her either. That’s not my fault, and it isn’t hers. That’s just reality.

People, you are you. Submissives are supposed to flex and bend, but they all have a core that is just inviolable. Some things are hard wired into their heads, and that’s that. Same thing with doms. Samantha was perfectly willing to gulp down my piss, for instance. An act I'm aware of but have never done nor had a particular desire to do. She also amazed me once when I teased her about cutting off her fingers. I was using a power saw, and it was some smart-assed comment that was obviously BS. But she looked at me for a minute and then said she would have to believe I was really committed for life, and then she’d consent. The thing is, I could tell she meant it seriously.

Pardon me?

Samantha had hair down to her thighs, and when I teased her about cutting it she got seriously pissed. THAT was a hard limit. Even discussing it was a hard limit. But fingers are negotiable? Sorry, but I like how a lady’s fingers feel wrapped around me. I have better uses for those than filleting them. The fingers stay.

On the other hand, I did choose the hairstyles both my Ladies wear. Color too. It always sort of irritated me that haircuts were a hard limit with Samantha. But the thing is, Samantha always had long hair. She was proud of her long hair. In her mind it set her apart from other women. In a way she defined herself with it. It was something that made her extra desirable, or so she thought. Certainly few women had hair like hers. Think the singer Crystal Gale. It was absolutely unique and most men’s fantasy. Honestly however, two things I learned from Samantha. Clit rings and really long hair are more trouble than they’re worth. But she was very proud of her body jewelry as well. She actually told me that touching her rings in certain ways really set her off. I don’t think she’d have cared to give that up. What she needed was a dom that enjoyed those aspects of her, rather than one who tolerated them. And what I needed was what I got. Ladies who like the fact that I make those choices for them, and who like the choices I make.

I don’t think it’s reasonable for anyone to expect another person OR themselves to be capable of being completely reinvented. You can’t inject your fantasies into her body and completely reprogram her already existing soul. And the older she is, the more things there are inside her set in stone. The more complex and rich her history, and therefore the more complex and rich the experience she offers, but only to someone sophisticated enough to appreciate it. You don’t become someone’s soul mate. You either are, or you aren’t. A dominant can make two kinds of changes to a sub. He can reveal to her parts of her very nature she had never been aware of, and he can reorganize her existing style to suit him better. All anyone can do is be honest with themselves about what they offer and what they want, and then try to find someone that fulfills their needs and wants. But you have to find that person. You can’t take a pretty package and force it to like what you want it too.